Blood Brothers
by Dojo Cat
Summary: [shonen] Zane has Syrus convinced he isn't good enough, but Jaden tries to help him see that he is. Does Zane really care about his brother, and how MUCH does he care? rated for yaoi, attempted suicide, etc. JxS, ZxS
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: and now, to go where no other authoress has dared go (at least not for this show...). Rated for incest, language, shounen, would-be yaoi and lime. No lemon, just lime.

If you're wondering, 'why did she go and use the word blood? That's... kinda weird..." then just wait. You'll see. /diabolical laughter/ All right, enough of that now. Really.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot to thank Lady-Ai 14 for putting Trusedale-cest in my head. Good going. No, seriously, no sarcasm intended. This is really thanks for having another Zane/Syrus fic to pave the way for any other demented YGO-GX writers that think this is a good pairing.

So without further ado, I bring to you...

**"Blood Brothers"**

Syrus sat up quickly in his bed, struggling to catch his breath. Nightmares. Again. He'd been waking up like this for a week, and the worst part was, he couldn't even remember what had, not one minute ago, terrified him and jolted him out of a sound sleep.

He sighed softly and lay back down, staring up at the bottom of Chumley's bunk.

"What's up, Sy?"

He rolled over and looked down at Jaden, who was sitting on the floor, looking through his cards.

"Oh, um... nothing."

Jaden furrowed his brow.

"Sy-rus," he said. "Something's wrong. I can tell. So why don't you just tell me what it is?"

Syrus just bit his lip and averted his gaze.

"Come on, maybe I can help you." Jaden smiled encouragingly. He knew how to make his friend talk. Syrus was kind of high-strung, and reluctant about doing nearly anything. Cajole, and he'd give you anything. Demand, and you lost it. He had to be dealt with gently.

Syrus muttered something, but spoke so softly that Jaden couldn't hear a word he said.

"Speak up. It's okay."

"I... I had... "

"Yeah?" Jaden smiled broadly. Now they were getting somewhere.

"I- um... Jaden, I can't tell you." The bluenette hung is head and buried his face in his arms.

Jaden stood up, and pulled himself up to Syrus' bed.

"Sy, whatever's wrong, you can tell me. I'm your best friend." Jaden pouted, then added, "Aren't I?"

That did it. He lifted his head, and guiltily, Syrus replied, "You _are_, Jaden. And that's why I can't tell you!" He groaned and put his head back down.

"Well... then how about you tell me _why_ you can't tell me?"

"Because, you won't want to be friends with me anymore, that's why." The answer was muffled, but the words registered clearly to Jaden.

He put his hand on his friend's head, entangling his fingers in Syrus' soft hair. Perhaps unconsciously, the smaller boy leaned into the caress, sighing softly.

"Syrus..." Jaden started, "I don't care what it is. I'm not going to stop being friends with you. There's nothing bad enough that could break us apart."

Syrus sat up, propping himself up by his arms, and looked into Jaden's eyes.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"All right..." He inhaled shakily, then, shutting his eyes tightly, said, "I had a bad dream."

Jaden was quiet for a moment. Syrus whimpered softly and kept his eyes closed, almost as if he expected Jaden to hit him or something.

Finally, Jaden replied, "That's it?"

"What?" Syrus opened his eyes wide and stared at his friend as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What do you mean, that's it?"

"I said, that's it? _That's_ what was supposed to make me hate you, and not want to be your friend anymore?"

Syrus nodded. "Yes," he answered, his voice quiet and almost defeated.

"Why?"

"Because Zane hated me for having nightmares, growing up," he explained. "He'd say I was being a baby, and that I was too weak. He'd say it was a wonder we were even related."

Jaden gritted his teeth. So _that _was what this was about. Like so many of Syrus' hang-ups, this was the result of his brother putting him down, telling him he wasn't good enough.

But for Syrus' sake, he put his anger aside. Pulling his hand free of Syrus' soft locks, he draped his arm over his friend's shoulders, and said softly, "So you thought that I wouldn't want you because you had a bad dream?"

"I don't know... "

"Syrus, you should know you can't get rid of me that easy." He grinned, hoping to cheer him up at least a little.

Instead, tears welled up in Syrus' grey eyes, and he began to cry.

"Jaden, you're right!" he wailed. "I shouldn't have thought you were that heartless! You probably don't even want a friend like me. I'm not good enough for y-- "

"Yes, you are," Jaden interrupted. "Even if Zane doesn't think so."

He wanted to say more. Call Zane every horrible thing he could think of. But that wouldn't help anything, and it would probably make Syrus feel even worse.

_He shouldn't have felt bad in the first place_, Jaden thought to himself.

He knew how much pressure his friend was under. His older brother wasn't just better than him_--not better, just more accomplished_--he also made Syrus feel bad about not living up to him. Told him in no uncertain terms that it was unfahtomable to be in the same family as such a weak, worthless--

"You're not."

Syrus sniffed. "But, Jaden... didn't you just say I _was_ good enough?"

"Huh?" he said, snapping to attention. "Oh... yeah. I was thinking about something. You're not worthless, no matter what your brother says. It's not true, Sy."

_What kind of guy treats his kid brother this way? Why would Zane want to make him feel so bad about himself?_

If Zane had been trying to motivate his brother with those hurtful comment and his neglectful, indifferent attitude, he'd failed. Miserably. Now not only was Syrus an under-achiever, he felt even worse about it than was even necessary.

"It... it's not?" Syrus had a hopeful, and almost pleading, look in his eyes. As if he were hoping for some positive attention for once, the kind he never got from his own brother.

Jaden realized that even _he_ had a hard time believing that the two were related. Syrus' eyes were beautiful. Soulful and expressive.

Zane's, on the other hand, were dark, with an uncaring and critical sharpness to them. Good enough to see Syrus' faults, but not enough so to see what a wonderful person his younger brother was.

_Zane may not appreciate him, _Jaden thought, "but I do."

"Do what?"

Jaden frowned. He'd have to learn to stop finishing his thoughts out loud.

"I appreciate you," he answered. Syrus had moved to sit cross-legged on the bed beside him. Jaden smiled and, wrapping his arms around him, pulled him closer to himself.

"Aw, Jay, _why_?" Syrus said mournfully. "I'm not a good duelist. I get lousy grades. I can't-- "

Jaden put his hand over Syrus' mouth, silencing him.

"Because you're _you_." He smiled and pushed his friend's head onto his shoulder. He wasn't sure what he was doing. Trying to give Syrus all the love his brother should have given him, but hadn't? Or did he just like the feeling of having Syrus so close to him?

Maybe it was both.

"Yeah, well, _me _isn't ever going to be good enough for Zane," the smaller boy stated sadly.

"So what?" Jaden replied. "It's good enough for me."

**okay, that's aboutenough of that.**

**yeah, i know. i should have put a warning up for the extremely sappy content of this fic. but this is about as bad as it's going to get, so any fluff fans should enjoy it while it lasts. **

**it may be kind of sweet now, but after this... well, not so much. don't worry, the language and incest are coming. just be patient. (if that's even what you're waiting for, which, if you read my notes and are still reading this, you just might be. don't get discouraged just yet).**

**R&R me, but this is my first fic for this show, so try to be nice. please? much appreciated. **

**peace for now (at least until i update this...) **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: wow... so nobody objects to the incest? or the gag-me-with-a-kodak-moment fluff? well, that's great. really and for truly awesome. i enjoy the feed-back, and i really am glad that none of you mind my... ideas. i hate for people to read my yaoi/incest/etc. warnings and yet still go on to read my story and get offended.

it's official. flamers suck.

anyway, that's about it. sit back and enjoy.

0-00-0-00

_Jaden, I don't know... _

_Come on, Sy, you have to stand up to him at some point._

Syrus bit his lip. Jaden was right. He had to stand up to Zane eventually. Might as well be today.

_You might not even realize this, Syrus... but even though Zane's not talking to you, he's still pushing you around. Ignoring you, telling you you're not good enough. You work twice as hard, trying to prove to him that you're worthy, but you don't have to do that. _

_I don't?_

At least Jaden didn't think so.

But, Syrus reasoned, his spirits sinking, that didn't matter. Jaden may have been his best friend, but Zane was still his brother. His flesh and blood. Their mother and father didn't care if Syrus was good enough for Jaden. They cared if he was as good as his brother. Not necessarily a better person, just a better duelist.

_No, you don't. You're really a lot better than you think you are. And if Zane can't see that, then who needs him? _

_I do_. Syrus frowned. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. He could bear the silent treatment. But face-to-face rejection? Being told to go back to the Slifer dorm, where he belonged? He just couldn't handle it.

Not knowing if Zane would give him the time of day was bad enough. But actually getting there and really having Zane turn his back on him was even worse. It just wasn't worth taking that kind of chance.

Slowly, Syrus turned and headed back to their dorm. He'd gotten half-way there and chickened out.

Typical, just typical. What was Jaden going to say?

He'd probably just drag him right back, march straight to Zane's room, and get himself into an argument. Probably challenge Zane to another duel. That was just something Jaden would do.

And retreat before he'd even reached the Obelisk dorm was something Syrus would do.

Something a coward would do.

"So what if I am a coward?" Syrus muttered miserably to himself. "Everybody already knows it. Jaden won't be all that disappointed in me, anyway. He already knows what a wimp I am."

"What's wrong, Syrus?"

He looked up, startled, and spun around. He looked up at Alexis, who stood behind him. She looked a little concerned... just a little. After all, she knew as well as anybody else did that he got upset over the dumbest things. And this had to be one of the dumbest yet.

"Oh... uh, nothing," he fibbed, trying not to look into her eyes. He knew he was a terrible liar. He knew he was a terrible everything.

"Come on, Syrus, tell me what's wrong." Alexis gave him an encouraging smile.

He gazed up at her pleadingly, with a look that clearly begged her to just let it go. But still she stood there, a look of half-involved concern on her face. Syrus was always worrying about something. How bad could it be?

"Well..." he bit his lip. What was a good way to say this? _My brother is ashamed to be related to me, and I was going to tell him off. _Yeah, that sounded _fine_.

"Yeah?"

"Um... I... Look, Alexis, I really don't want to talk about it. Okay?"

Alexis shrugged. "All right. I was just asking. See ya." She turned and walked away, leaving Syrus to stand on the path by himself, looking from the direction of the Slifer dorm back to where he was going- Zane's dorm. Where he _had_ been going, anyway. Question was, did he have it in him?

"Yeah." he said softly, then a little louder, a little more proudly, "Yeah. Zane's not the boss of me. I'm not scared of him. I can say whatever I want. What's _he_ going to do about it?"

Continuing on his way, he repated, "Yeah... yeah... what's he going to do? ... What's he going to do about it? Yeah..."

He kept mumbling to himself, half-aware of how crazy he probably looked to anyone walking past. But he didn't care. The words gave him courage, and he needed it to get up the nerve to have this little 'chat'.

And he had the nerve, all right. Nerve enough to walk to the Obelisk dorms and right to Zane's door, not thinking about, or even caring about, what would happen if he got caught. He had as much right to be here as anybody else did!

Didn't he?

_I don't care what Zane thinks. He's not better than me. I might not be as good a duelist as he is, but I'm definitely a better person! Jaden said so himself..._

This new aggravation was becoming a bad attitude by the time he finally got to Zane's room. He thought nothing of knocking -admittedly, harder than necessary- on the door. Sighing, he clenched his jaw and stood waiting.

"Come on, Zane..." he muttered under his breath. "Open the door already."

"Syrus?"

Syrus gazed up, looking into his brother's eyes. His new-found confidence suddenly abandoned him, leaving the frightened boy that had always been there before standing at Zane's doorstep, so suddenly unsure of himself his legs threatened to give out from under him.

"Z-zane?" he stammered. "I... c-can we... talk?"

Damn. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He wanted to convince his brother that he was good enough, worthy, a _somebody_. Not the same shy little boy that lost matches and had nightmares. He looked down at the floor, the feeling that he wasn't even worthy of making eye contact slowly seeping back into him.

"About what?"

There wasn't any emotion in Zane's voice. It was better than the contempt Syrus had led himself to expect to be greeted with. Nothing. Complete indifference. He wasn't even worth his brother's comtempt?

"I-I ... " _Come on, Syrus, just spit it out. _"I'm not worthless!"

Great. That made a _world _of sense, Syrus thought bitterly. He kept his head down, waiting for Zane to respond.

_Say something. Anything. Come on, just _say _something. _

"What are you talking about?" Zane asked, a look of total confusion on his face. _Think harder, Zane. Come on, you have to remember all those times you said I was... You know what I'm talking about. Why don't you just talk to me?_

"You know what I'm talking about," Syrus snapped. How dare he act so innocent! Like he'd never once in his life told him that he wasn't good enough. Like he didn't know how painful it was for his younger brother to try and be like him, when he clearly just didn't have it in him.

Like he not only didn't care, but he didn't even remember.

"All those times, growing up, you said I'd never be good enough. Until every time I screw up I feel like just killing myself, thinking of what you said. You told me I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't even have been your brother! _That's _what I'm talking about, Zane!"

The elder brother sighed deeply.

"You still get that upset about making mistakes?" he replied finally.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Syrus replied, still cooling down from his little 'episode'. He turned his back on Zane. _It hurts getting cold-shouldered, doesn't it? _

He jumped, startled, when he felt Zane's strong grip on his shoulders. Caught off-guard, he let himself be turned back around to face his brother.

Zane glared at him, a hateful look that chilled Syrus to the bone. Was this really better than being ignored? His brother's indifference wounded him deeply inside, but was that as bad as having Zane's fingers digging into his back?

"Then you haven't learned anything," Zane said softly, his words whispered, but harsh and almost frightening. "You're still weak. You haven't learned anything at all."

Syrus tried to back away, but he was held in place. He turned his head away, squeezing his eyes shut until tears welled up along the rims. His breathing became labored.

_Why did I say that? I didn't have to have such an attitude. He hates me. He's probably going to hit me or something. I was better off when he didn't even pay attention to me. _

"You need to learn," Zane repeated. "You have to learn how to be stronger."

Syrus kept his eyes closed. He didn't want to hear it. If this was the kind of attention he was going to get, he wanted to go back to being a nobody!

His eyes slowly began to open at the faint breath upon his face, before the sensation of Zane's lips pressing to his own shocked him into opening them. He stared, mortified, as Zane finally broke the kiss. He didn't simply let go of Syrus, but kind of pushed him away in the process.

Stumbling backward, he steadied himself and continued to back up slowly.

_What's _wrong _with him? _he thought to himself. _What does he mean? How will kissing me help me learn to be stronger?_

"You will never be anything if you can't learn to handle problems on your own," Zane said, his voice cold and flat. "Jaden won't always be around to help you. He's not your brother. He'll move on. He'll leave you, and you have to be able to deal with things yourself."

"I... I-I know h-he's not my brother," Syrus stammered. "I don't need him... to help me." He clenched his jaw. "And how do _you _know he's going to leave me behind? What if he doesn't?"

Zane narrowed his eyes. "He will. He's an excellent duelist. He's got a promising future ahead of him."

"And you don't think I do, too?" He should have sounded more annoyed, but Syrus spoke softly, as he was still in shock.

"He's going to move on," Zane continued, acting as if he hadn't even heard him. "He'll leave you, and then what will you do?"

"I don't get it, Zane!" Syrus cried. "What does this have to do with--"

"He's not your brother," the older boy repeated, turning and pulling his door shut behind him.

Syrus stood there for moment, gazing at the door. What was going on?

None of it made any sense. He had to learn to be stronger. Jaden was going to move on. Where did Zane kissing him fit into the equation?

He bolted. He ran through the halls, turning corners and nearly knocking a student off his feet, until he found the door. He got through to the outside and kept running, back to the Slifer dorm.

That was where he belonged, anyway. He wasn't good enough. He wasn't strong enough. He was lucky even to have gotten this far.

Finally, he found the right door. Fumbling with the knob, he got the door open and slammed it shut. Leaning against it, he slid to the floor, pulled his legs up and rested his head on his knees.

Just when he'd finally caught his breath from running all that way, and now he was choked with heaving sobs. Nobody was there. Even Chumley had managed to find somewhere else to be.

Maybe that was best. Nobody was around to see him crying.

Being so weak.

**don't worry. it will all be clear to you... eventually. trust me, i wouldn't just have zane kiss him for no good reason!**

**really, i wouldn't. i mean it. **

**anyway, R&R. your feedback is appreciated. (unless you're flaming me. then... not so much.) **

**ciao, everbody. ) **


	3. Chapter 3

**all right, how about we vote on this? who thinks this still counts as incest? **

**i'd like to thank all of you who reviewed so far. it's people like you that make society suck less. good for you. **

**anyway, this chapter contains a lot of sadness, self-mutilation, self-loathing and blood, and a little tiny hint of shonen. if any of this bothers you, leave now and save me a flaming. **

**R&R, be nice, and remember: the government is out to get you. Oo**

O-O-O-O

He'd been hurt berfore, and several times. How many? Too many to count. Too many now even to _care._

All Syrus knew was that this was the worst. The absolute deepest wound to his heart.

Zane didn't love him. He hated him. He had to, or why else would he do this?

To neglect him and demean him was bad enough, wasn't it? This was an insult, taking this gesture of love and turning it into a gesture of dishonor and rejection.

That wasn't even the full extent of it. His first kiss had been taken in hate, in being unwanted and unworthy. It should have been someone else. Who knew who else, and who cared? Just... _not_ Zane.

"Who else would want me, anyway?" Syrus asked himself, his voice shot through with misery. Nobody, not even his own brother, loved him. Nobody cared about him.

Nobody.

Except...

"No, no," his muttered, shaking his head with every repetition. "Jaden doesn't love me either. I'm his friend. Not even that, really. He might have said it, but I'm just his sidekick. If it weren't for me, he'd be going places.He could be the best. I'm just the sorry sidekick. I just make him look good." He sighed. "Compared to me, anyone would look good. The only way I'd ever get kissed, and it has to be because the person who did it hates me."

The only way.

_The only way..._

There was only one way.

One way to fix everything. One way to stop letting Zane down. One way to stop getting in Jaden's way.

One way. The only way.

Question was, could he do it? There was no question he would. His mind was made up. Everyone would be so much better off without him. It was simply a matter of _how_. So many ways to die, but so few ways to _make_ it happen, on purpose.

What would he do? Drown himself? The plug in the drain didn't fit right, so the sink wouldn't fill up. And he couldn't just go jump into the ocean. Nobody would find him. They'd probably think he'd run away.

They'd think he was still alive, too much of a loser to stay, but too much of a coward to die.

No, he wanted them to find his body. Proof he at least hadn't left.

Hang himself? With what? Neither he, nor either of his room-mates, had a belt to their name. A shoelace would just come un-knotted, or break. No rope, no cord, no nothing.

Syrus felt more and more pathetic by the second. He'd been a loser his whole life. The least he could do was get _this_ right.

"What kind of idiot decides to kill himself because he's a screw-up, and then can't even do _that _right?"

He went through the list in his head. Drowning, hanging... where was he going to find a gun? Shooting himself was out of the question.

_What does a guy have to do to die around here? _He couldn't decide if it sounded more amusing or morbid. May as well get a good laugh from it. His death was no loss to the world. No loss to anybody at all, really.

But if he had no way to make it happen, he'd have to go on living, being the failure, the disappointment, the burden, to people so much worthier than him.

Even if nobody loved him, he loved _them. _He loved Zane. and he loved Jaden. So he couldn't live.

Deep in thought, searching blindly for inspiration, he ran his hand absently over the top of the desk. A sharp pricking sensation in his hand snapped him out of it, until he realized what had happened.

Staring at the deep splinter, which had dragged along the palm of his hand until a short but deep cut had been drawn in his pale flesh, he smiled, a sick but sad smile.

There was his inspiration.

And how convenient. That desk was just what he needed.

Well, what was inside of it, anyway.

_"Hey, Syrus," Jaden remarked, leaning back until only two of the chair legs were touching the ground. "You know what I hate about being on an island?"_

_Syrus shook his head. "No. What?"_

_"That it doesn't snow a lot here."_

_"It's fall. Besides, we're too close to the ocean, Jay. It doesn't snow a lot here."_

_Jaden was silent for a moment. _

_"So," he replied at last. "How can we fix that?"_

_"Fix it?" Syrus asked, puzzled. "How can we fix it? Jaden, we can't control the weather." He smiled to himself from his place on the floor, flipping through his deck. That was one of the things about Jaden that impressed him the most. He had this way of doing the impossible. Beating Obelisks at duels, saving his friends time and time again. _

_Jaden controlling the weather wasn't such a far stretch of the imagination. _

_"Maybe not, Sy, but I know the next best thing."_

_Funny, he could almost _hear _Jaden grinning. _

_"Yeah? What would that--?"_

_His vision was clouded by hundreds of small white ... something. It landed in his hair, in his lap, behind his glasses. Shaking his head madly, he managed to get them out of his eyes, and turned around to see Jaden, twisted around in his seat and struggling to breathe through his laughter. _

_Pouting, Syrus muttered, "Very funny." _

_"Yeah," the brunette gasped, rubbing tears out of his eyes. He took a deep breath, and added, "I thought so."_

_Grinning, he eased himself onto the floor and pulled Syrus into a hug. "Sorry, Sy. I just thought you'd get a good laugh from it."_

_Syrus replied, "Oh, that's okay."_

_"So? I'm still sorry."_

_"Did you just need an excuse to dump shredded paper all over me?" _

_Jaden squeezed him a little tighter. "Nah. I just needed an excuse to give you a hug." He laughed, and Syrus didn't know whether to laugh with him or have him committed. _

_"You... don't need an excuse."_

_"I don't?" _

_"No."_

_Jaden pulled away to look at him. He grinned broadly. "Thanks, Sy."_

_"Thanks? For what?"_

_"You said I could just do that for no good reason."_

_"So?"_

_"So you're my best friend."_

_Syrus felt the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He, out of all the great duelists in the entire Academy, was Jaden's best friend? _

_"Why?"_

_It was Jaden's turn to be confused. "Because I like you. You're a good person. I'm just as optimistic as the next guy, but even I know there aren't enough of them out there. There's just something about you... that's just... um... " He paused a moment, before finishing. "Really, really... nice."_

_Syrus blushed. Poetic, Jaden wasn't, but the meaning was there. He didn't have to be the best duelist. He just had to be the best _friend.

_"Thanks, Jaden. You... you're my best friend too."_

_"Good. So you won't mind if I do this?" He pulled Syrus back to him, holding him so tightly the smaller boy could barely breathe. _

_"No," he gasped. "I don't mind." _

_At least if he suffocated now, like this, in Jaden's arms, he could die happy._

Die happy, instead of live miserably. Sounded good to him.

He smiled softly, thinking of how they'd just sat there in that pile of cut-up notebook paper, Syrus feeling as if he could have stayed in Jaden's arms forever. That fleeting but wonderful feeling of being wanted.

Being loved.

And that was just how he found what he was looking for, lying in that drawer. In a pile of paper "snow".

Isolated. One. All by itself, just like he was.

As Syrus reached down and closed his fingers around the closed blades of the scissors, he noticed that his hands weren't shaking. He was always so nervous, so unsure of himself. Why was he so calm now, when there really was something to be nervous about? He was preparing to end his life. How _couldn't_ he be panicking?

Because he knew the outcome, that was why. It occured to him suddenly. Every step he took in his life carried the chance of another mistake. Another chance to fail. Another chance to disappoint someone.

He was doing this, knowing that he'd be ending all those steps. Ending all those disappointments.

Getting the only thing that held his loved ones back out of the way.

Himself.

Syrus felt the hot tears roll down his face.

He cried because he was weak. He cried because he was a loser. He cried because he had no place in the world. He wasn't worth the air he breathed.

He cried, because it had finally sunk in.

But he could let himself cry. That was why he was doing this. Might as well end his life the way he'd lived it--in tears.

The blade was dull, but Syrus didn't have very thick skin anyway. Literally or emotionally. Anything could cut him, that much was obvious.

All the more reason to be cut.

"I'm sorry I let you down, Zane." He was talking to himself. "I'm sorry I let you down, Jaden."

What was the point of a suicide note? Stating the obvious?

Looking back to the drawer, still containing some of Jaden's "snow", he added, 'wasting paper.' What was the point?

He'd have done away with himself so they wouldn't have to put up with him anymore. They'd know that he was gone. They'd know why he did it. Who knew? They might actually be happier.

No more stalling. Jaden would be back soon. He had to get this over with. If Jaden got back in time, he'd have to try and save him.

Well, Syrus could save him the trouble.

Furiously, he slashed the blade across his wrist. Not good enough. It was a bad cut, but he'd live.

He repeated the motion.

"Not good enough," he said to himself. "Just like Zane told you. Not good enough. Not good enough."

He said it again and again, each time carving another mark into his arm.

Finally, he stopped. Setting the bloody scissors back into the drawer, he slid it shut, the crimson liquid dripping onto the carpet and onto the front of the desk. It flowed down to the floor. It would all end up on the floor.

Just like Syrus.

All those times he'd knelt in defeat, hopelessness, submission. Each their own shameful form of weakness. Physical weakness, from the blood he'd lost, brought him to his knees. He set his good hand on the floor to steady himself. The carpet was seeping with blood.

_Just one more thing, _he thought to himself. _They'll get my blood out of the carpet, and I'll be gone. They won't have to deal with me anymore. _

Perfect.

With a deep sigh, he bent over and laid his head on the floor, a spot that wasn't soaked in blood.

"Zane... y-you were right," he panted. "I wasn't worth it. I'm sorry, Jaden, you were wrong. I'm not good enough. I'm sorry. You were my best friend.

"I-I... " He groaned. If this was the last thing he ever said, it would be well worth it.

"Jaden... I love you."

O-O-O-O

**cruel, isn't it? well, that's the holiday blues for you. **

**anyway, this is a little... um... really, really... not good. perhaps this should fall under "tragedy" after all...**

**but does that mean that poor syrus will parish? hm... good question. i suppose you'll find out later. **

**sorry to be so evil to you, but admit it. you'd rather have the suspense than have me just tell you. right? **

**either way, review, and have a nice day. ) **


	4. Chapter 4

"Sy, are ya in here?"

Jaden twisted the knob and pushed open the door.

"Syrus? Hello?" He nudged the door open a little more, and looked inside. "Anybody home?"

Silence greeted him. He felt almost disappointed. He'd wanted Syrus to be there. He'd wanted to ask him how his little talk with Zane had gone, or even if he'd gone at all. He had a lot of faith in Syrus, but he knew that his friend had this tendency to ... give up.

"Hm. I wonder where--" He stopped short, and looked down. What was all over the carpet? It looked like blood, but... what was going on here?

Jaden's gaze followed the wide pool of red to the desk. Finally, the sight registered. Lying in all this blood was...

"Syrus!" Jaden kneeled beside him, pulling him up by his shoulders to face him. "Syrus. What happened? Ae you hurt? Syrus, come on, _say _something. Please, Syrus. _Syrus." _

Syrus sighed softly. His eyes fluttered open, his gaze unfocused.

Jaden let out his breath. So at least Syrus was still alive.

"Sy, what happened to you? Come on, buddy, say something. Are you all right? What's with all this blood all over the place? Are you cut?"

"Mmhm," Syrus mumbled, closing his eyes.

Jaden shook him, trying to be gentle but keep his grip on him at the same time. "Come on, Sy, stay with me. What happened? Where'd you get cut?"

With some effort, he held up his shaking arm. Dried blood trailed down from several jagged gashes across his vein.

Still keeping one hand behind his back to support him, Jaden took hold of his arm and pulled it closer to examine the wounds.

"How did this happen?" he said softly. "Syrus... how did you do this to yourself? Did you... you didn't do this on purpose, did you?"

Syrus looked into Jaden's eyes. The brunette saw how weary, how miserable, his friend looked. He'd seen this look in Syrus' eyes before, when he'd almost given up in a duel. When he'd built a raft and tried to run away. A look of absolute defeat.

_Zane._

"Did you talk to Zane?"

Weakly, Syrus nodded.

"What did he say?"

Syrus didn't reply, but let out a small, plaintive whimper. He was near tears. Jaden could tell. He'd seen it enough times before.

"What did he say to you?" Jaden tried to keep the edge out of his tone. This was something about Zane, he just knew it. It didn't take a genius to see what had happened. Zane had said something to hurt Syrus' feelings, and it had driven him over the edge. He'd gone home and sliced his wrist open.

But what had done it? What could Zane possibly have said that had hurt him so badly?

"I... have to learn... "

"Learn? Learn what?"

Syrus gazed up, with a faint smile on his face.

"I had to learn... to be strong." A peaceful look came over his face. "I couldn't do it, Jaden. I couldn't be strong.

"I just get... in your way. I let Zane down. Nobody would miss me, because... nobody loves me."

Jaden had to bite his tongue to keep from say it. _It's not true. _I _love you. _Where did _that _come from? Had he really just thought that? Almost said it?

The realization was slowly sinking in. He'd been thinking it all along.

Well, now was definitely not the time to bring it up. One problem at a time was about all Syrus could handle.

"So you tried to kill yourself." It was less a question than a confirmation. Syrus nodded again.

"Yes. I didn't want for you to have to worry about me anymore. I didn't want you to have to put up with me anymore. I was sick of getting in your way. You could be the best, and I don't want to stop you. I'm not worth holding you back. I didn't want to let you down, because I love you."

Wait... had Syrus really just said...?

No, that wasn't right. Couldn't be. All the times Jaden had caught himself thinking about him and Syrus... together... he'd never thouht Syrus would be the one to say it.

He shook his head. That wasn't what Syrus had meant. Zane had rejected him. So Syrus had found a big brother in Jaden. He loved him as a _brother. _That was all. It had to be.

"He didn't love me."

"Huh?" Jaden snapped to attention. "What?"

"Zane. He didn't love me. He did it because he hated me."

Jaden stared at him. "Did what?"

A violent tremor shot through Syrus' body. Jaden felt it under his hands. Syrus was so cold... It was from losing so much blood. That was just common sense. But whatever Zane had done to him had left him cold _inside, _too.

"I'm sorry, Jaden. I didn't want him to." His voice cracked. He looked at Jaden with tears in his eyes.

"Want him to what?" Jaden let Syrus shift his weight onto him. He rubbed his back gently. This was ironic. All this time, Syrus had come to him with his problems. And now, Jaden was literally giving him a shoulder to cry on.

"...kiss me."

Syrus' shoulder convulsed with his sobbing. All the hurt, the rejection, the shame... it had finally been admitted to. No longer caring, he let himself cry. What was the point of trying to contain it? He had no dignity left. He was weak. Nobody would ever expect him to be strong enough not to.

Jaden stiffened. _Kiss _him? Zane had _kissed _him?

No wonder Syrus was so upset. His first kiss, at least as far as Jaden knew, and it had to be Zane.

_He did it because he hated me..._

That wasn't right. You kissed someone because you loved them, not because you didn't. Not because they had to learn. Not because they were weak.

...because you loved them...

Jaden pulled back, held Syrus by the shoulders, and pressed his lips gently to his friend's.

**a little closure with your cliff-hanger? **

**i was going to put it in the first chapter, but i thought there should be a better motivation. **

**...and if this isn't it, i give up...**

**okay, you know what to do from here. peace be with you. ) **


	5. Chapter 5

**whatever happened to "asking permission"? eh, never mind. if there was any of that going on, well, this just wouldn't be the same. **

**anyway, where were we?**

This wasn't anything like the last time. Nothing was familiar to him anymore. Nothing was right.

Nobody wanted him. Nobody loved him. Nobody would ever love him.

So how could it be that Syrus now found himself back on the floor, being kissed by Jaden? Kissing him back?

Jaden didn't ask him. He just did it. But the similarity between this and the incident with Zane ended there. Syrus hadn't wanted Zane to kiss him. He couldn't have stopped him if he tried. He'd _wanted _to stop him.

But he wanted this. That beautiful, peaceful feeling was coming over him again, just like it always did when he was with Jaden, but stronger.

It just didn't add up. People certainly didn't kiss anybody who was just their sidekick. He had always thought Jaden saw him as a younger brother. Somebody he just sort of ended up with, through no fault of his own, who followed at his heels and was just _there _for him.

With the exception of Zane, nobody kissed their younger brother.

Jaden was nothing like Zane. He was kind and gentle. He cared about Syrus, and even if he had it in him to be ashamed or disappointed in him, he never let on. Jaden would never turn his back on him when Syrus needed him.

Finally, Jaden stopped kissing him. He simply sat back, still keeping his arms around the other boy. Grinning, he asked, "Feel better?"

Syrus nodded. Actually, he really _was _feeling stronger now. The realization that he had even failed his own suicide attempt bothered him a little, before he realized that if he'd died, he would have missed... well... _that_. He was still a little weak from losing so much blood, but he knew he wasn't going to die.

And since he was going to live to have to face everything that had happened, he may as well start here.

"Um... Jaden?" Syrus replied hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

Amazing. He seemed completely un-fazed at the fact that he'd just been kidding his best friend. _You'd think that didn't happen at all. _Who knew? Maybe Syrus had completely cracked up, and he'd just imagined the whole thing.

"Jaden... " What in the world was he supposed to say? '_I thought you just kissed me, but maybe I'm just losing my mind. Did it really happen?' _"Well... I said that _Zane _kissed me. I didn't mean.. I mean, you didn't have to--"

"It's okay." Jaden shrugged. "I just wanted a good excuse."

_It's like deja vu all over again. _That's what he'd said when he threw paper all over him.

_He'd cut the paper with the scissors so he had a reason to hug him. Zane had kissed him because he hated him._ Syrus rapidly started making the connections. _He'd used the scissors to cut himself because he thought Jaden didn't want him, either. But Jaden did want him. He used the fact that Syrus cut himself as an excuse to kiss him, because he wanted him... _

_Because he loved him._

It had come full-circle. It started and ended with Jaden loving him.

And with Syrus loving him back.

**okay, that's enough for now. why spoil a nice chapter with a lot of conflict? i'll just save that for next time...**

**till then. **


	6. Chapter 6

**sorry for the sudden flood of updates, but i switched to a laptop and while i was trying to get my internet connection, i got a lot of writing done. **

**anyway... yes, this is incest, as defined by "somebody kissing their brother". **

**uh... it will all be made clear(er). later. **

**also, yes, everybody is happy that syrus will live. maybe somebody else could go on with this story without him, but i just don't have the heart to kill him off. and leave jaden all alone. and drive zane to kill himself because it's his fault syrus died. and...**

**anyway, on with the story, i say! (and so does justice, so we'd better get on with it...)**

"So what do you want to do?"

Syrus stared at him sadly. "I don't know, Jay. I should probably try to talk to him again, but... well..."

Jaden sighed heavily. "But he might do something worse to you next time."

The bluenette nodded. "Yeah, but I have to do something. I'm sick of him. I mean, he's my brother," he added hastily, "and I love him and everything--"

"_Why_?" Jaden snapped. "He practically dis-owns you, then when you try to talk to him, he... he--"

"Yeah, I know," Syrus interrupted. He leaned against Jaden and looked up at him. "But he's still my brother. That's what he said."

Jaden gritted his teeth.

"Does he think you don't _know _that or something?" he growled. "That isn't even helping his case. I mean, he _is _your brother. That just makes what he did worse."

Syrus frowned. He _was _still his brother, and he still loved him, as a brother. But Zane had been so certain that Jaden would leave him behind. And Jaden was so certain that Zane was a horrible person. Was he going to have to choose between his own brother and his best friend, or whatever Jaden was to him now? He felt like he was being torn in two.

"I know. But Jaden, he must have had a reason..."

"Why are you defending him, Sy? After everything he's done to you, after he told you that you were worthless, and that you didn't even deserve to be his brother? After he turned his back on you?"

Syrus hesitated for a moment before answering.

"Jaden, even if he doesn't love me back, I still love him." He paused. "As a brother, I mean. And he might not like me very much, but he still had a reason. He wouldn't do this just to torture me."

"Then what about ignoring you all this time? Acting as if the two of you weren't even related? Why did he do _that_, then? Are you saying that _that _didn't torture you?

"It hurt you a lot. I know it was torture on you. And not three hours ago, you tried to kill yourself, and it was because of _him. _He keeps hurting you, and you still love him." Jaden's expression softened a little, but his voice was still charged with the same fury, on a deeper scale. "He doesn't deserve a brother like you."

Syrus stared up at him, wide-eyed. This was the same person that only half an hour ago had been holding him so protectively, being so loving and kind to him. And now he was so enraged that he could hardly speak. And the one making him so angry was Zane.

The two people he loved the most... and they couldn't stand each other.

Zane was resentful and distrustful of Jaden. Absolutely no doubt in his mind that Jaden was going to break his brother's heart. And Jaden... so furious at nearly losing him, and he blamed Zane.

"Jaden..." Syrus said softly, hoping that, in his mood, his friend wouldn't lash out at him before he could think about it. He knew Jaden would never snap at him on purpose, but when he felt like this, and wasn't thinking clearly, who knew?

"Yeah?" He was almost surprised at how calm Jaden sounded. As if the sound of his voice had broken whatever hold Jaden's anger had had on him. As if he'd just snapped out of it, and he was the same person he'd been before he'd started ranting about Zane.

"I have to talk to him." Syrus sat up, but Jaden grabbed him by the sleeve of his blazer and puled him back until his shoulder-blades hit the edge of the bed frame.

"Remember what happened last time you tried that?" he replied. "If you think I'm letting you go back there by yourself, you're crazy."

"So I can't go?"

Jaden's expression was still serious, but Syrus could see that he kept the smirk off his face with some effort.

"I said you couldn't go back by yourself," he corrected. "That's why I'm going with you."

"Jaden, wait..." Syrus paused. How could be put this? _Zane told me that I had to stop relying on you. If you go with me, he'll lose whatever respect for me he has left, if he hasn't already. _

"Yeah, Syrus?"

The smaller boy sighed deeply.

"Nothing," he replied without conviction. "Let's go."


	7. Chapter 7

**first off, I'd like to thank all my reviewers for... well, for reviewing, especially Angelic Candy, who has given me some awesome ideas. **

**second, thanks for following along, even though this story doesn't completely make sense yet. you have questions, and I... well, I have answers. I'm just not sure they're the ones you want. **

**and third... oh, never mind, just go on and read it already.**

The walk back to the Obelisk dorm had been slower than necessary. Syrus dragged his feet, and Jaden kept pace with him. He knew it wasn't entirely logical, but he felt as though every moment he has his back to his friend was just another opportunity for him to be hurt.

Then again, it wasn't entirely _illogical, _either.

But no matter how slowly they walked, eventually they would have to wind up at Zane's door.

And when that moment finally came, they stood together. Syrus could only imagine how this looked. Him, weak and dependent as ever, needing his friend to stand up to his brother for him.

Who knew _what _Zane was going to do? Syrus was a little less frightened with Jaden by his side. _Like some damsel in distress, _he thought glumly. And Jaden, the brave knight, was coming to his rescue. _Again. _

Jaden pounded on the door.

Syrus was almost frightened of him. But he knew that Jaden was mad at Zane, not him. Then again, he _was_ frightened of Zane, too. His brother had hurt him, disgraced him, nearly driven him to suicide. Why shouldn't he be frightened?

But the thing that scared Syrus the most was that he still loved him.

Maybe Jaden had been right. _Why _was he still loyal to someone who caused him so much misery? Because they were related? Sharing a bloodline didn't mean you had to love someone. It was strange. He could nearly _feel _the blood coursing in his veins. His one connection to his brother, as insignificant as the blood that ran through his veins, what there was left of it, anyway. It wasn't just his blood staining the carpet of their room. It was Zane's, as well.

A tense moment passed, before he spoke up. "Maybe he's not home. We can always come back later..." He cast Jaden a pleading glance, and the other boy smiled encouragingly and draped an arm over his shoulders.

"Syrus, it's all right. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise." He tightened his hold on him, and for an instant Syrus thought Jaden was going to kiss him again. The idea mortified him. Even if Zane wasn't there, what if he showed up? Or anyone else, for that matter. Word would get back to Zane, and... well, who knew what would happen?

But he didn't need to worry, because Jaden simply turned back to the door and knocked again, slightly softer this time. He seemed calmer now, no longer furious, but merely protective.

"I guess you're right," Jaden said. "I don't think he's here. Come on, let's go--"

"What are you doing here?"

Syrus jumped, and turned to see Zane standing in the hall, glaring at him. Or Jaden. Or maybe both of them.

He hadn't realized that Jaden still had his arm around him until he removed it, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well?" Zane asked, his voice cold but edged with impatience.

"We came to find you," Jaden answered.

"Why?"

Syrus stood perfectly still, frozen with fear. They'd been talking for less than thirty seconds, and already things were going downhill.

"Don't tell me you don't know."

"Not really," Zane replied.

Jaden's eyes narrowed. "How about what you did to Syrus?" he snarled. "I'd like to know why you love tormenting him. We _both _would."

Zane glanced at his brother, who simply stared back at him, a shudder running through his entire body.

"I don't torment him," he answered simply. "He torments himself."

"So you're saying it's his fault?" Jaden challenged. "That everything you do to him, he brought on himself? What kind of brother _are_ you, anyway?"

"He doesn't bring anything on himself. Things happen to him, and he has no idea how to handle it on his own."

"He can too handle things on his own!"

"Then why are _you _the one I'm talking to?"

Jaden paused, trying but failing, to think of a response.

Syrus looked sadly at his brother. He was absolutely right. If Syrus really _was _strong enough, then Jaden shouldn't be the one having this argument.

_He _should.

"Jaden, he's right."

Jaden turned, startled to hear Syrus suddenly speak up. Caught up in his debate, he'd kind of forgotten his friend was still there beside him. He was even more startled that Syrus was speaking up to _agree _with his brother.

"If I've really changed, then I don't need you," he explained, sounding as defeated as he felt. He already knew who was going to win this argument, and it wasn't him. "I can talk to him myself."

He glanced back at Zane, who stood unmoving. But something was different. There was an almost... _confused _expression on his face. As if he couldn't believe this.

_What's wrong, Zane? _Syrus thought bitterly. _Didn't think I'd ever stand up to you? _

That wasn't the Syrus he knew.

The Syrus he knew had been on the shallow end of the gene pool. If it was at all possible, he'd been born without a backbone. He never talked back. Stayed out of the way. He looked up to his brother and emulated him. Wanted to be like him. Respected him.

This brother wasn't the one he knew.

This brother wasn't the one he'd grown up with. Who had grown up in his shadow.

This brother was strong. Willful. Hell, for once in his young life, he was being _brave. _

Zane merely nodded, half-asking, half-challenging him to go ahead. Start talking. Prove himself. Maybe this time he would actually succeed.

Syrus looked back to Jaden. "Can we be alone for a little while, Jay?"

Jaden gave Zane a distrustful glare, but turned back to his friend and sighed. "Are you sure?" Syrus looked so confident, so strong, but Zane was already all of those things, and it was in his nature to be so. It was in Syrus' nature to let people like that step all over him.

Syrus nodded slowly. Being absolutely sure of something was a rare sensation to him, and this was only the fourth time in his entire life it had happened. His childhood had held a lot of uncertainty, but there were four things he had ever felt so strongly.

The first had been a constant, the one thing, growing up, that he was absolutely sure of. That was that he was worthless. A total nothing, maybe less, compared to Zane.

The second was that he wanted to die. Nobody loved him. He was a burden in life, and he wouldn't be missed.

The third was that he loved Jaden, and that the feeling was mutual. No, that wasn't it. The third thing was that they loved _each other_. Total opposites- a confident person who was going somewhere, and a lowly, sorry excuse for a duelist, who would never be more than an embarassment to his family. But they completed each other. Jaden kept up his spirits, and Syrus kept him grounded. They kept each other in a perfect state of being.

The fourth was proven right now. He was ready to stand up to Zane.

Two already had been disproven. He'd been so sure of them at the time, but now knew better. Would time prove the other things wrong as well?

But on the other hand, they'd been disproven by the last two. If nobody loved him, then why did Jaden? If he was a nobody, then why would he be talking to Zane?

Now only the two things that remained were important. His entire reason for living. Without them, he'd have died.

They were his life.

"Yes, Jaden, I'm sure."

Zane made his way over to them, and opened the door. He looked back, to see if Syrus was having any second thoughts about this. As far as Zane could tell, he wasn't.

He held the door open, and Syrus stepped through. With one foot inside the room, he looked back at Jaden.

"I'll be right here," the brunette said reassuringly. _If he tries anything... I'll be right here. _

**okay. you know what to do. )**


	8. Chapter 8

**i appreciate all the awesome reviews. i hope you're all enjoying reading my story as much as i'm enjoying writing it. **

**okay... that's about it. read, review, and... yeah, everything you do after that is entirely up to you. i own you about as much as i own yu-gi-oh gx. so... not at all. Oo **

The click that signaled the door being closed behind him also signaled that there was no way out. He was trapped.

Zane brushed past him, sending another cold chill through him, and sat on the edge of his bed.

"Ae you going to sit down?" he asked.

Syrus nodded, and reluctantly walked over and sat beside him. He clutched the edge of the mattress, the sheets folding under his fingers. He gazed back over to the door, and for one fleeting instant wanted to just walk out now.

But still he sat there, knowing that it was the coward's way out. This was his idea, and now he was going to follow through with it.

Zane, meanwhile, sat unmoving, not even bothering to look at his brother. If what Jaden had said was true, then Syrus suffered under his very _gaze._ Syrus was never going to learn if people kept sticking up for him. But what was the point of hurting him if it wasn't going to help him in the end?

Zane was a patient person. He had to be, to keep from breaking down. He couldn't show affection for his younger brother. Unconditional love, something you didn't have to work for? What would that teach him, besides to stop trying?

Maybe it had been a failure. If somebody accepted Syrus for what he was already, then he wouldn't need approval from anyone else. He might still want it, but the necessity wouldn't be there anymore. He'd give up on trying to be the best.

He had so much potential, and Zane had worked for so long to bring it out. And nobody even knew it. How it tore him up inside to walk away from Syrus, to turn his back to him when all he wanted was to take him in his arms and tell him how much he loved him.

But that wasn't the kind of person Zane was. Openly affectionate. Caring. Supportive. That wasn't how he got where he was.

That was how he got to this personal hell. Having to turn him away so many times, he knew the expression that his brother always wore when it happened. Hurt, abandoned, unloved. Like he wanted to die.

His feeling that way made Zane wish for himself the same fate.

Kissing him had been a mistake. What had happened? Seeing his brother looking more helpless than he ever had before, _that_ was what. He was immune to feeling sorry for Syrus, but only to a certain point. This had been a new low, for _both _of them.

But what was done was _done _now, and all he could do was try and fix it.

"Zane."

He turned to his brother. It was about time he said something.

"Can I ask you something?"

Ask _him _something? All the questions he had asked himself, and couldn't answer, and now Syrus wanted to add something new?

"All right."

"Zane. Do you... you know... " He mumbled something else, under his breath.

"Do I what?"

"You know... um... do y-you... hate me?"

Zane, for a moment, was shocked. How could Syrus think that he _hated _him? But it soon turned to grief and remorse. How could he _not_ think he did? As far as Syrus knew, he didn't love him. So hate was a logical explanation.

"No." He clenched his teeth. He already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear Syrus say it himself. "Why would you think that?"

"Well, I... um.. I mean, you know--" the blunette stammered. He thought that because Zane seemed to hate him. He _acted _hatefully. But how could he tell that to his own brother? How could he put into words all the suffering being dis-owned caused him? What was more, even if he _did _know how to put it into words, how could he bring himself to say them?

"Well?"

Syrus took a deep breath, and replied, "You... well, you kinda act like you do." He lifted his head and quickly added, "Look, I know you don't. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't mean you--"

"Syrus, stop." Zane saw him stop talking and snap to attention, out of breath. His eyes widened, and his puils dilated with fear, shocked by his brother's sudden interruption.

"It's all right," he said softly. "I know you probably think I do."

"No! I... I mean, why would you? You're not like that. I'm sorry. I never should have even brought it up."

"It's all right," he repeated. "Jaden was right. I'm not the brother I should be to you. But you have to understand, I was only trying to help you."

"I know. You just wanted me to do my best."

Zane shook his head. "No, you don't know. You're my _brother._ I always felt horrible whenever I ignored you, but I only did it because..." He bit his lip, and continued, "Because I love you."

"Y-you... do?" Syrus asked breathlessly.

Zane gritted his teeth. It was a painful confirmation, the way he sounded so surprised. After all, what reason did he have to believe that Zane loved him?

"Yes. I do." Now he really felt ashamed. Why was it so difficult to say that to his own brother? He should have been glad to say it, and relieve Syrus of the deep grief of abandonment. He should have been saying it the whole time.

"I... " Syrus paused. "I wish..."

"What is it?" Zane tried to sound encouraging. He wasn't used to it, but he supposed he'd have to be.

Syrus sighed deeply, and shut his eyes. "I wish I'd known that before."

"I wish I'd _told _you before." He placed his hand lightly over his brother's. "I always _have _loved you. You're my _brother. _I was trying to help you to try harder. Get better at dueling. Be more--"

"Like you."

"Yes."

"That's what I was trying to do. That's why I was always so hurt. I didn't think I was good enough. Like I didn't deserve a brother as good as you."

Zane shook his head. "You're right. You deserve someone better. You don't have to be like me. Trust me- you don't _want _to. I might be a good duelist, but that doesn't make me a good person. Jaden was right. I was hurting you, and I knew it, but I kept doing it. Eventually, it stopped being about making you stronger. At some point I was just doing it because I didn't know _how _to let you know I loved you.

"I was wrong. It didn't make you stronger. If anything, it just left you worse off than you would have already been. I made you feel as though you had to earn my love, and eventually I knew you couldn't. I should have told you a long time ago."

Syrus sniffed. "Really?" His eyes began to water.

"Really."

Zane was stunned to find Syrus suddenly wrapped around his waist, sobbing into his blazer. He silently hoped that this new extroverted attitude wasn't just a phase. It had gotten them to finally have this conversation, which was so long overdue.

"Zane, I'm sorry! I thought you hated me, and I thought nobody cared about me, and I never would have done it if I knew! But I didn't know!"

"Wait- you never would have done _what_?"

Syrus took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Loosening his grip on his brother, he let one hand slide down his back and onto Zane's, and held up his other arm.

"Syrus," Zane said, his voice steady but threaded through with dread. "What's wrong with your blazer? What are those marks on it?"

"It's blood," the younger boy stated, sounding calm but deeply ashamed. "My arm must still have been bleeding--"

Zane seized his hand and pulled down the sleeve to reveal the slashes in Syrus' wrists. Dried blood was smeared all over his forearm, and some cuts were still beaded with drops of blood not yet large enough to fall.

"When did you do this?" he demanded. He couldn't decide whether he was more afraid, furious, or guilty.

Syrus said nothing, but panted heavily, completely rigid with terror.

"_Answer _me!" Zane snarled. "What happened?" He tightened his grip on his brother's arm.

Syrus heard his wrist snap before he felt it. His breath hitched, but he couldn't speak, not even to cry out in pain.

"Zane," he groaned. "_Please _stop. Please. I'm sorry! I-I didn't-- I mean, I w-wasn't--"

"When did this happen?"

Syrus knew that if he tried to talk, he'd probably burst into tears. He felt his throat closing up. His heart beat so rapidly in his chest that he thought he was going to die. Only a few minutes ago, Zane had told him he'd loved him. Assured him that he always had. And now that same person was screaming at him, trying to break his arm, for heaven's sake.

"Say something." It reminded him of when Jaden had spoken that way. So full of rage that he couldn't speak above a hoarse whisper. But it was that much more terrifying when that rage was directed at him.

Syrus shut his eyes and turned his head. His arm still trapped in Zane's vice-like hold, he could only turn so far. His brother had hurt him so many times, but he'd never tried to physically harm him before.

Zane let go of the smaller boy's arm, letting it fall limply to his side. Syrus used his good arm to cradle it to him, and try to determine how much damage had been done to it. He couldn't feel anything, but his wrist was bruised and swollen, the cuts appearing even deeper.

"Leave."

It wasn't a suggestion. It was a command. Syrus rose slowly to his feet and trudged slowly to the door. He could feel Zane's hawk-like gaze burning into his back as he went.

As he closed his hand around the cold knob, he turned back, looking once again into his brother's dark eyes, silently pleading his forgiveness. But Zane simply glared back at him.

He drew another painful breath. "Good-bye, Zane."

And, hearing no answer, he walked out the door, and pulled it shut behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

**aww, i hope i didn't make anybody too sad with that last chapter. if i did, then i feel bad. (**

**but in case i didn't, on with the story. **

Jaden heard the latch in the door click, and stepped back. Syrus pulled the door shut behind him, and, glancing up at him with a haunted look in his eyes, continued down the hall without another word.

"Hey, Sy, wait up!" Jaden shouted, hurrying to catch up. Syrus didn't even lift his head to acknowledge him.

That couldn't be good.

"What did he say to you?" he asked, not even daring to imagine all the things that could have gone on behind that door.

"Huh?" Syrus looked up. "Oh! Hey, Jaden."

"So what did he say?" Jaden repeated.

Syrus smiled. "He said he loved me. He was just trying to help me, you know?"

"No, I don't. I don't get it. Didn't you say he hated you?"

The bluenette shook his head. "I thought he did. He just wanted me to do my best."

Jaden frowned. "And he thought that completely ignoring you was going to work?"

Syrus sighed. "So what? Everybody makes mistakes, Jay. I made up with him. The least you can do is forgive him."

He seethed at the prospect. This was the person who had nelgected and hurt Syrus all his life. Broke him. Nearly drove him to suicide. And Syrus was willing to just... forgive him? Why? It didn't make any sense...

Unless you knew Syrus. And Jaden knew him, all right. He was passive and shy. He'd sooner give in than argue with somebody. It wasn't his fault- he was just too nice.

But what was the point of nursing a grudge? Syrus wanted them to live and let live.

So that's what he'd do.

"All right," he said finally, trying not to sound as reluctant to agree to this as he felt. And judging by Syrus' reaction, he'd done a good job of keeping his doubts to himself. Syrus wrapped his arms around the taller boy's waist.

"That's great," he said, pushing his head into Jaden's side affectionately.

"Well... live and let live, right?" He clenched his teeth behind his smile. "I mean, like you said, he was trying to help." _Yeah, and a lot of good that did you. _

Syrus let go of Jaden suddenly and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yeah... right."

Jaden stared quietly at him for a moment. "Sy? You all right, buddy?"

Jerking his head up, as if he'd suddenly regained focus, he looked over his shoulder. "Oh. Sure. I... I'm sorry. I guess I kind of... zoned out, or something."

"It's okay," Jaden replied. "You're probably just tired. Come on, we'll go home and you can rest for a while."

Syrus nodded slowly. "Right."

It was almost as slow a walk back from the Obelisk dorm than it had been getting there, but at least this time, they were going someplace they wanted to be.

* * *

He'd lied again.

The whole point was for Jaden not to know. It would only make him more angry. It would only give him a reason to hate Zane even more than he already did.

Why cause anybody any more upset?

He kneeled beside Jaden, who was so occupied with his work. Scrubbing the blood out of the carpet.

_His _blood. This was all his fault.

He couldn't blame Zane.

His arm hurt because Zane had twisted it.

But he never would have done it if Syrus hadn't cut it.

But he wouldn't have done _that_ if Zane hadn't hurt him.

But Zane wouldn't have done _that_ if he'd been good enough...

It kept going around in circles. If one of them was guilty, then so was the other. Two brothers, more connected thn they'd thought. A kind of mutual destruction. Both of them fell short, and both of them hated it.

And as far as he knew, both of them hated each other.

* * *

What was this? Some kind of twisted nightmare? All he wanted was to wake up, to his _normal _life, and his _normal _brother. To the life everybody knew about, where he was a great older brother and where he didn't have these sick thoughts and painful emotions.

But that wasn't _his _life. In _his _life, everything was wrong.

Syrus had cut himself. He'd done it because he was so badly hurt, and Zane himself was the one to blame.

Jaden hated Zane. He hadn't even needed to say it. Everybody blamed Zane. The big bad brother, who had tormented Syrus until he'd nearly lost his mind. There was no need to point out the obvious. It was all his fault.

Zane hurt Syrus because he loved him. Because he didn't know any oher way to show it, than to try and train him to be as good as he was. That wasn't going to happen. He was a decent duelist. He just didn't... believe in himself. And _that _was Zane's fault, too.

There was only one thing left to bear alone. The one other reason Jaden had to hate him, and for Syrus to hate himself. He could find a way to blame himself for it. He always could.

Self-loathing. Yet another problem that his _hateful, _and _cold-blooded_ brother had caused him.

Now Syrus thought that Zane hated him. _Again._ Had raised his spirits so high, only to strike them down again in the course of two minutes. Had nearly twisted his arm out of the socket, then ordered him to get out of his sight.

And go right back to Jaden. His aniki. His _new _big brother.

His new lover.

Their parents had always been so proud of their eldest son. He was so intelligent. Practically a genius. But he didn't need to be to see what was going on. Turning the corner, to see Syrus in that that trouble-making Slifer's arms. A sickening way for his bad luck to make it's point. All the signs had been there, finally culminating into the two of them falling in love.

And he didn't have to be a genius to see where this was going. For all his faults, Jaden was a great duelist, and he was going to make something of himself one day. He'd leave. He'd break Syrus' heart. And if trying to kill himself was how he handled Zane's abandonment, imagine what Jaden leaving him behind would do to him.

This was only the beginning of Zane's troubles.

Under other circumstances, Jaden would be the perfect friend for Syrus. He, unlike the rest of the world, really cared. He saw what before only Zane could see-- what a great person Syrus was. And unlike Zane, Jaden wasn't afraid to tell him so. Syrus was beginning to see what he was worth, no thanks to Zane.

But to his credit, he'd helped the bluenette lose what little confidence he had.

It hurt Zane to see his younger brother in so much pain. It hurt to put him through so much torture, simply because he couldn't be the kind of brother Syrus needed. It hurt to know that it was his own fault he'd nearly lost him.

But what hurt the most was _why _it hurt him so much.

Because he was in love with his own brother.

**gotcha. /smirks/**

**and you thought i was lying about the incest. shame on you all. **

**lol- just kidding. review me and we'll call it even. LMAO.**


	10. Chapter 10

**aww, thanks guys! the reviews i got for chapter 9 were so nice, i decided to get off my lazy proverbial ass and answer them. **

**galactichitchhiker42: all right, here you go. :)**

**sofa: aww, man, i made you sad? well, now i have to go feel bad... haa, just kidding. glad you liked it!**

**dreyacira: glad you're liking the story! btw, i got "bluenette" from the story Save Me, by starthedemonhorse. just thought i'd give credit where credit is due. **

**koshi noriko: winks back thanks!**

**shadowvixen: that;s OK! you can just squeeze the life out of him when I'm finished! lol**

**amberblood: first rule of fanfiction, no shame in anything. don't feel bad about not logging in. i just click the "keep me logged in for 3 days" button to save myself from typing the letter "f" in the box every day to turn on autocomplete... point is, everybody has a lazy side. mine just comes out more often. lol**

**quileo92: sick twists are the best kind. **

**kr92: well, here it is. sorry for the wait.**

**freak0515: heyy... you're gonna share that, right? just kidding. but seriously, that was what i was saying as i wrote it. it's a good way to live. "give other people problems, because you'll never be able to have them all yourself!" **

**angelic candy: you have the coolest ideas. have you ever considered making your own yu-gi-oh gx fic? think about it... you can screw them up as much as you want. lol- i'd love to read it.**

**xxsexiitxx: damn it, girl, i TOLD you we were even! i'd never lie about something like that. so just keep reading, and don't give your DOUBT another thought. doubter! lmao**

**blue comit: you're. very. welcome. **

**midnyte wolf: woah, calm down there, trigger! i'm glad you liked it. ohh, and to answer your question, i forgot to mention why they didn't bandage his arm. damn details and their HARD TO REMEMBER-ness. but syrus had nearly stopped bleeding by the time jaden got there. besides, they were kind of... um... distracted. i'd hate to think i left out any more crucial details. nice catch!**

**chibi angelstar: i know... i'll go to my room and think about what i did... well, not really. but don't worry, with all these little /issues, there's going to be more. much, much more. just not too much, because i hate those stories that drag on forever. but rest assured, it's not over till the fat lady sings. (and she's only on her second course of the pre-concert buffet dinner- rofl). **

_"We've got to clean up your cuts, you know?"_

_"Yeah, I know." He thought for a moment, then added, "Maybe I ought to do this by myself. You don't have to look at them anymore. I'm sure you don't want to."_

_Jaden shrugged. "Okay, if that's what you want..."_

_He didn't want to leave Syrus alone. But he knew that his friend needed some time to think things over. If washing the cuts himself was what he wanted, that's just what he was going to do. _

_"Just... let me know if you need any help." _

_Syrus grinned shyly. "Thanks, Jay. For everything." _

_Jaden smiled and wrapped his arms gently around the smaller boy's shoulders. "No problem," he whispered softly in his ear. "That's what friends are for." _

_The sensation of Jaden's breath against his neck made him shudder. That wasn't _all _friends were for. He nodded, and shifted his shoulders. He was already tired, and his legs were about to give out from under him. And now, he was about to drop dead. Now that just wasn't fair..._

_"'Night," Jaden said hoarsely, turning his back. "Get some rest, okay?" _

_"All right. Good night, Jaden."_

_"Yeah, you too." He dropped heavily onto his bed, causing the springs in his mattress to squeak and groan loudly. He hadn't even bothered to change into his pajamas. Syrus smiled sadly at him. He didn;t have to do anything he'd done. But he did anyway. _

Why? he thought to himself, kneeling over the bathtub, wringing the soaked cloth over his arm. The blood that had dried on his arm, diluted by the cool water, flowed down his arm, pooling at the bottom and slipping down the drain.

He wasn't worth it. Jaden was such a great friend. He deserved so much better.

Someone who wasn't so weak they'd rather die than deal with their problems. Someone who didn't give in to anybody. Someone who hadn't earned the hate of the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally.

Someone... anyone... better than Syrus.

His vision blurred, and he inhaled deeply. He couldn't be crying _again, _could he? Not after all the tears he'd shed. Wouldn't he ever run dry?

But that was impossible. For all the blood he'd lost, he'd still managed to have enough left in him to live. Just enough flowed through his veins to keep him going. He'd never run out of blood, and he'd never run out of tears.

They streamed down his face, hitting the edge of the tub with soft splashes.

He blinked to clear them from his eyes, and examined his wrist. The skin was clean, the wounds looking much less severe than they had before. Where it had once seemed his entire forearm was one bloody, shredded mess, now was just several dark red lines across his vein.

_Well,_ he told himself bitterly. _I really do have low self-esteem. I'd have to, to think that those little scratches could kill me. It won't work. I'm too weak to live, but just strong enough not to die. _

He touched his wrist lightly with his fingertips, flinching from the sharp jolt of pain. The cuts were nothing- it was the painful way his arm was twisted. He held up his other wrist to compare them, and groaned. It had looked bad enough on it's own, but compared with his good arm, it looked even more swollen and bruised.

His clenched his jaw so tight he heard his teeth creaking as they locked into place.

He could handle broken teeth. He could handle a broken arm. He could handle a broken heart.

Anything at all. But he sure as hell wasn't going to cry about it. What good would it do? It just made Jaden feel sorry for him. It just made Zane more and more sure that he was a total weakling. Crying didn't solve his problems. It made them worse.

Nothing could solve his problems. Nobody could help him.

Jaden could try, but what was the point? Couldn't he see that it was no use? Was he so blinded by his own optimism that he couldn't see that Syrus was a lost cause?

But Zane already knew it. He'd always known how completely worthless his little brother was. He'd tried to fix him, he'd failed, and he'd moved on. It was only a matter of time before Jaden gave up on him, too.

What he hated the most was that he tried. If he'd put no effort into it, and he'd failed, then the potential was still there. There was still reason to believe in him. But he'd tried his hardest to please Zane, and still he failed. He'd tried his hardest to make Jaden proud of him, live up to his over-confident friend's expectations.

That was it, though. Jaden expected too much out of him. Expecting _anything _of Syrus, thinking he even had any right to be living, was just too much to ask for.

All he wanted was to go back to the dorm, and just lie beside Jaden and ask him to help him sort through his problems. He wanted to admit what Zane had done. He wanted to stand up to his brother, and for once, not have something go horribly wrong.

None of it was going to happen. Jaden couldn't help him. He'd finally gotten him to fogive Zane for what he already knew he'd done. If he found out about this... And earning Zane's respect was never going to happen either. He didn't deserve it. He was so stupid. Never, _never, _should have admitted to cutting himself. Stupid mistake. Positively the dumbest thing he'd ever _done._

No... the dumbest thing he'd ever done was try to commit suicide where somebody would find him in time. Not going through with it. That was the ultimate low point of his young life.

Well, he'd just have to be smarter. Zane wanted him to do better. Learn from his mistakes.

So he would.

Syrus cut the hot water, twisting the knobs until the cold was running full blast. He shrugged off his blazer. He didn't deserve to wear it anyway. He was the failure out of the entire Slifer class. The lowest of the low. He didn't even deserve to be where he was now.

He held his arm under the cold water, leaning over, and continued until he was soaked up to his shoulder. Then his other arm. Finally, he shook his head. This wasn't going to work. He peeled off his shirt and held it under the water for a couple of minutes. It had to be absolutely soaked.

Finally, it was done. He tugged the dripping wet shirt back over his head. The water was cold as ice, and already his skin started to become sore. Not that it would matter anyway. He wasn't going to be able to feel anything after a while, anyway.

He shut off the water, and paused, comforted by the silence that now filled the outhouse. Nobody was there. He was finally all alone. If anybody really cared, he would have something to live for. But there was nobody, and he could finally go in peace.

Drawing one last long, shuddering breath, the prelude to a fit of sobbing he wasn't going to let happen, Syrus closed the door behind him and walked calmly into the freezing black winter night.


	11. Chapter 11

"It's freezing out here. Don't you think you ought to go back to your room? Maybe warm up? Get some rest?"

Zane glared at her, and turned back to face the sea. It stretched on forever, it's depth inconceivable, as cold and black as he felt inside. But unlike him, the ocean harbored life. But he was as good as dead inside anyway. The only thing that still lived and thrived within him was a demon--some twisted, hateful entity that turned his back on everyone who cared about him, and lusted after his own brother.

But that was ridiculous. Zane knew he wasn't possessed. Because there was no seperate being dwelling inside of him.

That demon _was _him.

"Geez, sorry." Alexis narrowed her eyes at him. "What's your problem? You're being even moodier than usual."

"What makes you say that?" Why couldn't she just back off, and mind her own business? Zane could admit she was actually pretty smart. So why couldn't she see that he didn't want to talk about it?

Alexis, slightly hurt, was silent for a moment.

"Well, for one thing, you're turning blue, you're so cold. How long have you been out here?"

"I don't know."

"You always come out here to think. You must have a lot on your mind."

Zane dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. She had no idea.

"Well?"

"'Well' _what?_"

"Well, what's going on with you?"

He shook his head, but did not answer her. How could he? What was he supposed to tell her? That he was in love with his brother? That he's nearly torn his arm out of the socket, after finding out that he'd tried to kill himself? That _that _was his fault, too?

He heard Alexis sigh, in defeat, he supposed, for being unable to get an answer out of him.

Still she stayed, staring at him, her gaze burning into him. Why couldn't she just leave him alone? But instead, she spoke up, breaking the tense silence.

"I saw your brother today."

Naturally. He'd finally managed to rid himself, if only for a short while, of all the painful thoughts of his brother. And here _she _came to remind him all over again.

"Really."

"Is something wrong?"

"Why would you think there was?"

"Because, Zane," she said, getting impatient, "he looked positively miserable."

He let out his breath. "He always looks like that."

"No, I mean he looked even worse than he usually does. And he just happened to be heading toward the Obelisk Blue dorms. I thought maybe he might have been looking for you. Did you see him today?"

Zane nodded. He wasn't lying, but he sure as hell wasn't elaborating.

"So do you know what's going on with him?" Alexis asked.

He sighed. She wasn't going to give up. But he could tell her as little as possible, keep giving her vague answers until she got tired of asking.

"Not really."

She thought for a moment. "Do you think it has anything to do with Jaden? Like, maybe they got in a fight--"

"Why do you just assume this is about Jaden?" he snapped.

Alexis, startled by his reaction, took a small step back, but held her gaze, glaring accusingly into his eyes.

"I didn't. I just said it _might _be. Why are you getting so upset about it?"

"I'm _not _upset."

"Zane, you're lying to me. Now just tell me what's going on."

Zane turned and walked towards her, stopping only a foot from her. She had gotten used to his intimidating presence, but now the intensity of his glare gave even her pause.

"It's none of your business. Now will you please just leave me alone?"

Alexis hesitated, but gave. "Fine." She turned her back to him and stalked away, leaving him staring after her. He felt the bitter sting of remorse, but told himself that she'd driven him to it. He'd warned her to just leave him alone. But still she pressed on, until he had no choice but to drive her off. He needed to think this over, and there was nothing she could do even if she did know, except realize what a horrible person he was. He still had one friend, and if he had to keep her away to keep her, then so be it.

Just like Syrus.

He was so young. But it was more than that. He was _innocent._ He'd done nothing to deserve this. It wasn't his fault he had a monster for a brother, who abandoned him just to resist the temptation. What cruel force of fate had brought the two of them together, in the same family? To let one become the best, and have the other fall so short, that it set them so far apart?

And the distance killed them both, no matter how close they stood. Syrus wanted his brother to love him, but surely he couldn't want the kind of love Zane felt for him.

Zane didn't care anymore, about what this was doing to him. Whatever horrible fate must be in store for someone who felt this way, was nothing, paled into comparison by the self-loathing, and the never-ending ache of having to keep it to himself.

It wasn't as if Syrus would reject him. He might have gotten bolder in their time apart, but he was still the same person. Still deprived of his brother's love. He probably would have accepted it in any form, no matter how wrong or how low it was.

But that didn't mean he would enjoy it.

And that was just it. Zane knew how far he had fallen. Feelings of lust so strong they kept him up at night, but he wouldn't, for the world or anything in it, let himself hurt Syrus that way. He was already so wounded by the rejection, imagine if he found out his other option, something that would damage the both of them beyond repair. He wasn't just in love with him- he truly _loved _him as well.

Zane could go down by himself, but there was no way in hell he would take Syrus down with him.

* * *

"Syrus."

Jaden sat up in bed, eyes still closed. It was so dark, what was the point of opening them? To see nothing in front of him?

He smiled to himself. To save his own life, he couldn't remember how he'd come to wake with the other boy's name on his lips. But whatever it had been, it had probably been a pleasant dream.

Question was, how long had he been asleep? The whole day had been such a blur to him, the concept of set times and dates seemed almost foreign to him. But who cared what time it was? Syrus had probably alreayd gotten back in, and was fast asleep in his bed.

Jaden may have always been the last one to wake, but only because he was the last one to fall asleep. He thought back on all the nights he had spent just watching Syrus sleep. He looked like an angel, so calm and peaceful, nothing like he was during the day. Without his delicate features ruined by worry, he was even more beautiful.

And tonight, he thought, grinning, he had the perfect excuse to watch over him.

Quietly, so as not to wake either of his friends, he eased himself out of bed, and put one foot on the bottom rung of the ladder. Pulling himself up, he rested his arms on the side of the bed, and shifted his weight onto it to keep his balance.

He'd gone through the motions so many times, he could do it without even thinking about it. And he didn't think about it at all until he noticed.

Syrus wasn't there.

His sheets were still tangled at the foot of the bed, and there was no sign that he'd gone to bed at all. Was he still at the outhouse? It couldn't be taking this long to treat his cuts, could it?

"Chumley. Chumley, wake _up_." No response. Jaden climbed further up the ladder, and pressed the heel of his hand hard into his room-mate's back. He hated to be so rude, but this was an emergency, for all he knew.

"What? What's going on?" Chumley turned over, and discovering his attacker to be Jaden, let out his breath and resisted the urge to kick him in the face. "Come on, Jaden, I was sleeping. What did you do that for?"

"Did you see Syrus come in?"

"You mean tonight?"

Jaden frowned. "No, Chumley, last Thursday. Of course tonight!"

"Geez, sor-ry. No, I didn't. Why?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But I'm just really worried about him. He's been having some problems with his brother, and--"

"He tried to kill himself."

Jaden paused. "Um... yeah. How did you know that?"

"When I got in, there was blood all over the floor. I figured there was too much of it to have been an accident, and I didn't think you would do anything like that."

"Wait--so you came in, saw blood all over the place, figured that one of your friends tried to commit suicide... and you went to _sleep_?"

Looking kind of ashamed, Chumley replied, "Yeah... but I was really tired, and I guess I didn't think about it..."

"Well, it's too late to worry about that now. The point is, he was in the bathroom cleaning his cuts, and he hasn't come back yet. I sort of dozed off, but still, it can't be taking him this long."

He stood with one foot, feeling for the floor with the other, until he found it and let himself drop from the ladder.

"All right, thanks anyway. I'm going to go look for him. Uh... you can go back to sleep if you want."

Chumley was already a step ahead of him, turned back to the wall and fast asleep.

Jaden knew he should have been more annoyed with him for taking his advice seriously, but in a strange way, he was actually kind of relieved. This way, he could search for Syrus by himself, and immerse himself fully in the growing panic and dread that was beginning to close in around him. He needed to be by himself, at least until he found Syrus. It would be enough time, because he knew that the mere sight of his friend safe and sound would put an end to this vague fear that choked him.

He knew it was ridiculous. Why would he try to kill himself again? He'd made peace with Zane. He had seemed fine.

He'd thought before that he had nothing to live for. And now, he had nothing to die for.

* * *

He needed to be alone. No matter how he tried to reason with himself, tell himself that everything was all right, something deep inside him told him otherwise. The constant 'what if' that led Syrus to always expect the worst now resonated within him. He just couldn't manage to convince himself that there was nothing to worry about.

He needed time to think. There was so much to think _about. _

Hadn't Syrus suffered enough? Hadn't Jaden?

It seemed self-centered to think about how much pain he was in, when Syrus had been the one who was ready to die to escape it.

But losing Syrus, to him, _would _have been death. Possibly worse. Having to survive his friend, live without him, try to continue on with a life in which the thing he cared about most was a card game. He enjoyed dueling. It was one of his favorite things in the world. But it seemed like nothing compared to Syrus.

Syrus... who was a living, breathing person. Who thought that nobody knew he was. Nobody but Jaden. Who had thought himself so worthless and lowly that even Jaden wouldn't miss him. He'd been so wrong. It was a mistake he'd nearly taken his own life in making.

When he'd held him in his arms, the broken and bloodied form of someone who was prepared to die, and leave his miserable and empty life, he felt more than the tremors and shaking of loss of blood. He felt more than the painful way his small frame had convulsed with his sobs.

He felt the grief and heartache that came from being abandoned and unloved. This was someone who cared so deeply for the two people that even recognized him as a person, with a broken heart and a tortured soul, that he would rather die than stand in their way. He thought his life meaningless, and a small price to pay for the happiness of his brother and friend.

It had been all Jaden could do to hold him together, to keep him from slipping back to the floor and possibly into death. He'd held maybe a little tighter than was necessary, but he wanted Syrus to feel it, past the numbed exterior, and inside of him. To get through the message that he was wanted in this world, if only by one person.

And it had been enough.

But still Jaden had insisted upon him standing up to Zane. Behind the closed door, they appeared to have reconciled. Zane loved Syrus, and Sryus loved Zane. Problem solved, mission accomplished.

Wasn't it?

Jaden had no idea what had gone on in Zane's room. How did he know Zane hadn't done something else--something _worse--_that would silence his younger brother? Make him lie, just to have him forgive Zane?

To give Jaden peace of mind.

He shook his head. That couldn't be true. Just because it sounded exactly like something Syrus would do didn't mean that he _had _done it.

The door to the outhouse was already unlatched. Unsure of what he would find, Jaden pushed it open slowly.

The light was off, and Jaden ran his hand along the wall for the switch. Finally finding it, he pushed it up, and the room was flooded with light.

Nobody was there.

He felt himself begin to shake. Syrus should have been here. Or at least, if he'd already left, Jaden should have run into him on the way.

Unless, of course, he hadn't gone back to the dorm.

But why wouldn't he? Where else would he go?

Zane's place? Jaden shook his head. No way. Why would he go back again? Wasn't it enough that he'd already made up with him? He wouldn't go back again the same night, would he?

He turned to leave, already feeling sick. But as he did, something caught his eye. He stared at it a moment, and when it struck him as to what it was, he felt as though he was going to be ill.

Syrus' blazer, laying on the floor.

What was it doing there? More importantly, Syrus should have been there wearing it. But he was gone, and had left it behind.

He obviously wasn't in there, so that meant that he had left. Gone out into the pitch-black night without even his jacket to keep him warm. Where on earth _was _he, and why had he taken off his blazer to go there?

No, it couldn't be... not again. Why would he? Wasn't he happy now? He knew he was loved. Things between him and Zane were better. What possible reason could he have to try it again?

Jaden seized the blazer and clutched it to his chest. He turned out the light and slammed the door behind him.

He didn't know where to begin looking, or even what he would find. If he was right... what if he was too late? Perhaps he didn't even _want _to find Syrus. The very thought made his stomach lurch violently. Coming across his lifeless body... empty of a soul that nobody else even realized had been there at all.

Jaden took off, not knowing exactly where he was going, and in all honesty not really caring, as long as Syrus was there. Who knew how long it had been? What if it was too late?

Jaden blinked, trying to fight the stinging at the back of his eyes.

He couldn't _let_ it be too late.

* * *

Syrus had always hated the cold. He got sick, at least twice every winter. Laid up in bed, sometimes so sore and tired he fought sleep, fearing that if he let himself lose consciousness he might not wake up again.

But now he loved the cold. He embraced it as it embraced him, seeping into every pore of his skin. Filling his lungs so that it hurt to breath. Threatening to turn his tears to ice, and blind him. The cold assured him that he wasn't _going _to wake up again.

It turned the raindrops to ice. Snow fell lightly around him. It became a white haze around him, carried by the strong winds in different directions at once. It didn't matter anyway. Black or white, whatever erases the color from the sight of the blind.

Syrus didn't want to see anymore.

Jaden would miss him. He'd probably be heart-broken. But he would get over it, like Zane did. The thought of losing his little brother had driven him mad. Someone he'd known, and apparantly loved, for most of his life.

But he'd only met Jaden that year. Surely Syrus didn't mean _that _much to him, not this soon, anyway. Maybe he _did _love him. Maybe he _had _kissed him. But so had Zane, and Zane wanted him gone. Their bond had been broken that easily, and they were brothers.

So his bond with Jaden could be broken even easier.

He hated to cause him any trouble. But in the long run, he was better off this way, without Syrus to hold him back. Burden him with his problems. Just so he could leave one day and forget about him.

He couldn't lie to himself anoymore. Zane had been right. Even the closest friendships saw the day when one person or the other grew up and went on to something more important than the loser who wasn't good enough to get that far.

It was so cold, or at least Syrus imagined that it had to be. He couldn't feel anything anymore, except the ever-present ache inside of him that the coldest winds and the deepest night couldn't numb. The water soaked into his shirt was beginning to freeze, and had he kept still, would have frozen his own arms around him. It was a useless defense against the cold, but that was what he wanted.

He wanted to feel Jaden's arms around him again, to feel the warmth of his embrace slowly sinking into him.

But it was all wrong. He knew the initial grief that Jaden would feel, and if that was what would happen, he didn't want to see Jaden again, to see him suffer that way. To draw the cold out of him, Jaden would have to exchange it for his warmth. Syrus would have to live with the guilt of burdening him that way.

It just wasn't worth the sacrifice to save his worthless life.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: sorry for the wait. final exams, schedule changes, you know how it is. plus i'll be gone all weekend. **

**but before i go, here's a little something to keep you entertained (i hope). **

**warning: all alexis fans have had their proper warning. minor bashing of your favorite "jaden's canon girlfriend". ehh, personally not mine, but anyway, don't flame me for it. find something i forgot to mention to criticize, if you must. **

**okay, so where were we? oh, right... **

_Jerk. _

Alexis shivered. It was freezing out. What had she been thinking, going out dressed like this? Tiny snowflakes began to touch down on her bare arms. When did winter break start again? The first thing she was going to do when she got home was change into her pajamas and curl up in bed.

It would be useless, though, trying to go to sleep. She'd just lie awake and wonder what was going on with Zane.

She knew it was none of her business, but she couldn't help it. Ususally, when they were at the lighthouse, they would talk about their brothers. Hers was missing, and he _wanted_ his to be.

Didn't he realize how lucky he was, to even have Syrus there with him? An adoring baby brother that loved and admired him? And he was ashamed of him, thought he didn't even belong at the academy. Didn't even want him around.

And what about poor Syrus? She hadn't seen him since that morning. Maybe he _had _gone to see Zane. Maybe it had ended on a bad note.

No doubt in her mind that if there had been some kind of disagreement, Zane had been the one to cause it. Alexis just couldn't imagine Syrus doing anything to upset anybody, at least not on purpose, and certainly not this badly, that Zane would still be in such a bad mood at the end of the day about it.

What if he'd said or done something to hurt Syrus' feelings? Would he even be sorry?

Then again, if it had been Zane's fault, how would Syrus have reacted? He was easily upset, but it was a more passive emotion, and certainly he wouldn't be angry at Zane. So either she was completely off-track, or it must have been a terrible fight.

Alexis would have believed either one.

_I just hope Zane's going to get over it. And I hope whatever happen, Syrus is okay--_

"Syrus!"

Alexis started, and turned around.

"Jaden!" she called, as he wandered down the path. "What are you doing out here?"

He looked up at her, surprised to see her in the woods this late at night.

"I was looking for Syrus," he explained. He looked about halfway out of his mind, worried and frigtened. "Have you seen him anywhere?"

Alexis shook her head. "Not since this morning. Why?"

"I woke up and he wasn't there," Jaden answered. "And I don't know where he is. I'm getting kind of worried, and he left his blazer, so he's probably freezing--" He held up the red jacket, as if to make the point that Syrus should have been in it.

"What do you think happened to him?" Alexis asked.

"I don't know. He told me he was going to wash up, so I stayed back in our room, and I guess I dozed off, and then I woke up and he was gone, so I went looking for him, and he wasn't there, and I found this, and now I don't have any idea where he--"

"Jaden, calm down!" Alexis said, putting her hands on his shoulders and shaking him. "Maybe he just went for a walk or something. Who knows, he might be back by now. Why are you so worried?"

His expression changed abruptly, and he fell silent. Looking up at her, he finally replied, "I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

He turned his back to her. "I... I just _can't, _okay?"

"If you just told me, maybe I could help you look for him."

Jaden considered it for a moment. Then, slowly, "You promise not to tell anybody?"

"Promise." Alexis held her hand up, though since he wasn't even looking at her, the gesture was wasted on him.

Silence.

"Jaden...?" She cautiously touched his shoulder with her fingertips.

"He tried to kill himself."

"What?" Alexis jerked her hand back. He didn't just say... He couldn't have? Not Syrus. Sure, he could be depressed sometimes, but not that bad...

"I said, he tried to kill himself." Still he kept his back turned to her.

Alexis cringed. How could he say it so calmly? His best friend had nearly committed suicide, and now he was missing? And Jaden had no emotion whatsoever in his voice. How? Jaden was one of the most extroverted, emotional people she knew. Wouldn't something like this, and with Syrus being his best friend, bother him more than that?

"Jaden," she said softly. "I'm so sorry... why did he do it?"

Jaden was silent for a moment, and then, his voice heavy with resentment and rage, replied, "Zane."

_Zane. _So Alexis _had _been right. This _was _Zane's fault.

"What happened?" she asked softly. "What did Zane do to him?... Jaden? What is it? Are you all ri--"

She gasped, choking on her words, when she finally noticed the way Jaden was shaking. He hadn't moved, but he was so tense that he was beginning to stiffen up.

"Jaden." She approached him slowly, praying that she didn't startle him. He wasn't calm. He was so upset, so drawn with emotion, that he couldn't _move. _

"It doesn't matter," he growled. "We have to find him. Come on."

And without even looking back to see if she was following him, he walked down the path and deeper into the woods.

Alexis stood for a moment, unsure of what to do. She trusted Jaden. She knew he was just worried about Syrus. But... well, you never knew. She surely didn't want anybody else to lash out at her that night.

A deep shiver, starting in her chest, suddenly shot through her entire body, and she realized that she couldn't stay out dressed like this. But she had to help Jaden...

"Jaden, wait up!"

Shaking his head slightly, he turned around to spot Alexis trailing along behind him, rubbing her bare arms and shuddering violently.

"Are you okay?" he asked, still sounding a little dazed.

"Yeah... I'm j-just freezing," she stammered.

"Oh." Jaden shrugged off his blazer. "Here."

Hesitantly, she took it, and pulled it on. It didn't cover her chest (A/N: not. one. word.), but she was at least grateful to have something covering her arms.

"Uh... thanks." She blushed slightly, but Jaden took no notice.

"Welcome," he mumbled, before cupping his hands around his mouth and shouting, "Syrus! Sy, where are you, buddy? Syrus!"

Alexis looked away. It stung to see someone she cared about in such a state of panic. Listening to his forlorn cries, one person in an entire forest, looking for one other person that he was worried to death about.

"Come on, where are you?" His voice cracked, and he panted heavily, probably trying to not cry. "Syrus..." His voice faded to a harsh whisper. "Sy..."

Alexis shut her eyes. It was downright painful to hear. It wasn't just because he was her friend.

She couldn't pin the vague, empty ache inside of her. Couldn't give it a name. How exactly _did _she feel about him? It certainly wasn't love- she hadn't knwon him that long. All she knew was that he was a great duelist, a nice guy--and totally oblivious.

He didn't know, which surprised her. It seemed like everybody else knew she liked him. Or if they hadn't figured it out yet, they at least suspected it.

But it wasn't even that she was sympathetically feeling his pain over losing Syrus. The identity of this new emotion gnawing away at her heart wasn't sympathy at all. She clutched the sleeves of his blazer and bit her lip. Now was neither the time nor the place.

Never, in a million years, would she have ever believed that she'd ever be standing in the middle of the woods, freezing to death, consumed with jealousy toward a boy for stealing the affections of somebody she liked.

It was absolutely horrible, and she knew it. Syrus had tried to commit suicide, and could be dead for all they knew.

"He could be dead," she murmered aloud to herself.

"Alexis, don't talk like that," Jaden muttered. "He... he can't be... _Syrus! _Where are you? Syrus!" His voice cracked, and faded to a whisper. "No... no, no, he can't be dead... no..."

She watched him wander off, deeper into the woods, fading from sight into the haze of falling snow all around them. She didn't think he even noticed that she hadn't followed him. She wasn't even too sure he really cared. He was totally oblivious to her, to the cold, to the greyish color his skin was turning, blindly searching for his lost friend in a torrent of sleet in a forest that seemed endless, well able to conceal the small boy.

"Syrus! Alexis, hurry!"

Snapping out of her reverie, she trotted down the path and into the clearing. She caught sight of Jaden, on his knees beside a large tree. Panting so hard it looked as if he might be sick.

"No..." she said, feeling her own stomach lurch. He'd found Syrus. He was kneeling over his unmoving body, choking from an overwhelming mixture of horror, disgust and grief. "_No!_" She hurried towards them, dropping to her knees beside Jaden, as he took the motionless body in his arms, cradling Syrus to him tightly and sobbing.

Alexis looked away. Wasn't this what she had always been hoping would happen? Syrus was gone, and now Jaden was all hers.

But it wasn't worth it. It just wasn't worth this...

She forced herself to look again. The moonlight was lost among shadows cast by clouds that were steadily bearing the snow. Only the silhuettes of the two boys were visible against the white veil surrounding them, shadows melded into one.

It wasn't her. It never had been her, and it never would be her. Even if Syrus was gone, there was no way she could ever take his place in Jaden's heart.

_Dead _or_ alive... _

"Jaden!" Alexis cried. "Jaden, stop! Look!"

Startled from his mourning, he stared at her in shock, tears still in his eyes. "What? What is it?"

"Look, he's breathing! He's alive!" She placed a hand on Syrus' back. She thought it strange that his shirt was completely soaked. It wasn't snowing _that_ hard. His back shifted slightly with each shallow breath. He was alive, but just barely.

"He.. is?" Jaden looked closely at his small companion. Sure enough, he was breathing. He _wasn't _dead!

But he would be soon if they didn't get him back home.

"Come on, we have to get him inside." He struggled to his feet, lifting Syrus up with him. He began heading toward the path, narrowing his eyes to see the way, carrying him in his arms.

Alexis smiled in spite of herself. It was almost a shame he wasn't awake to enjoy this. She was pretty sure how Jaden felt about him, but she'd always been vaguely aware that Syrus had felt the same way this whole time. He was simply more obvious about it.

She hurried to catch up with Jaden. He could probably use her help.

"Do you want me to come with you?" she asked. "Make sure he's all right?"

Jaden thought for a moment, before answering with a flat, "No."

"No? Why?" she asked. "I could--"

"No, I need you to do something for me."

"Oh. What is it?"

Jaden drew another deep breath. "Find Zane," he growled. "Tell him to come back to our dorm."

"But--"

"Alexis, _go_."

Alexis cringed. How many times would she have to hear someone speaking to her that way?

Resigned, she simply answered, "All right," and headed back in the direction the lighthouse. They were at another side of the woods, near the edge, where the trees began to thin and she could see where she was.

Anywhere but the lighthouse...

She wasn't looking forward to dealing with Zane again that night. But for Jaden's--_and Syrus'_--sake, she would have to.

Why did Jaden want her to send _him _there. Hadn't he told her that Zane was the reason Syrus had tried to kill himself? What did he want him there for? To make him feel sorry for what he'd done?

He probably didn't know that Syrus had been out all this time, and was nearly dead. But was it possible that he knew something like this was going to happen, even before it had?

Alexis shook her head. That was ridiculous. He'd find out about it after she told him. There was no way he could already know. If there was, wouldn't he have done something to stop it? She shuddered.

He probably wouldn't have.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: sweet. chapter thirteen. so is this indicative of some bad luck? misfortune? ladders?**

**yeah... don't ask. **

**but i suppose if i don't stop with the author's notes, we're never going to find out, now are we? so let's just do that now, shall we? **

_"Zane? Do you... you know... hate me?"_

'No, of course not... you're my brother. I can't hate you.'

_"You... well, you kinda act like you do."_

'Because I love you. It's because I love you, Syrus! I'm supposed to, and I do, but I'm not supposed to love you this much. Not like this...'

_"I didn't deserve a brother as good as you."_

'You're right. You deserve better. Someone who can love you the right way. Someone... anyone better than me.'

"Just not me..." he said aloud. "Not me..."

"Zane!"

Alexis? What was she doing back here? Hadn't she bothered him enough for one night? He just wanted to be alone...

No, he _wanted_ to be with Syrus. He didn't _want _to be alone--he _had _to be.

"What is it?"

Alexis hesitated, catching her breath. "It's Syrus," she gasped.

Zane turned around to look directly into her eyes. "What?"

"He... we found him in the woods. He nearly froze to death... he was just barely alive when we found him--"

"_What?_"

Alexis held her hands up defensively. "Zane, please--"

"Are you serious?"

"Why would I joke about something like this?"

"Syrus... is he all right?"

"I don't know. Jaden took him back to their dorm room--"

"And you just left him there alone with Jaden?"

"Well... yes, but why--"

Zane didn't even look back at her as he began walking away, striding as quickly as he could without breaking into a run, toward the Slifer dorms.

"Zane, wait!" she called after him, but he ignored her. She stood alone on the dock, simply watching him go. What on earth was going on with him, and with Syrus and Jaden? What could possibly be causing her friends to act this way toward each other? Toward her?

She didn't know, but she knew she couldn't rest until she found out.

* * *

_Where was he?_

The light stung his eyes, and he closed them again, weakly trying to cover them with his arm. It was too bright, too warm... his skin felt like it was on fire. Like he was covered in needles.

_Ohh, what _is _this place? Did I... am I in heaven? _

He opened his eyes again, shaking his head a couple of times to rid himself of the bleary haze clouding his vision.

Well... not unless his soul was to rest for eternity in his dorm room.

He was... back? He was alive?

Syrus propped himself up, leaning heavily on his arm, and looked around. He couldn't see anybody? Was he all alone? How had he even gotten here?

He breathed deeply. Everything was a blur...

_Jaden ... he didn't deserve him ... Jaden deserved better ... anybody better than him ... _

Syrus stifled a small cry, painful remembrance flooding through him, like ice-water coursing through his veins. He'd gone out to die. But here he was, safe and sound in their room. Somebody must have brought him back before he could...

"No..." he whispered, feeling his throat close up. "No... I'm still here... I should be..." His thoughts were so mixed-up that he couldn't finish one sentence.

Why, _why _did this keep happening to him? Why couldn't everybody just leave him _alone _and let him _die_?

"Syrus!"

He felt two arms wrapping around him, pulling him close to a warm body, holding him so tightly that he doubted he could have struggled free if he'd wanted to. But he didn't. He missed this feeling so much...

"Ja... Jaden?" he mumbled.

"You're awake," the other boy sighed, his voice heavy with relief and joy. "You're all right... oh, Syrus..." He tightened his grip on him, and Syrus shifted a little, trying to get into a position where he could breathe a little easier.

"Jaden, what's going on?" he asked meekly. "What's wrong?"

Jaden's breath became harsh, but he said nothing. With his back pressed to him, Syrus couldn't see his face, but he could only imagine the expression he wore. Full of resentment and anger.

Syrus wasn't entirely sure what had happened, but he had a pretty good idea. Jaden had found him in time, and brought him back to their room. He'd saved his life... _again_ ... and he'd been put through all this grief ... _again. _His breath hitched, and he could already feel the tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes.

_What was I thinking? _he ranted at himself. _If he doesn't care ... if he doesn't want me ... then why did he save me? Twice? _

Maybe that was just it. He'd saved him the first time because he cared. Now he just wanted him to live so he could let Syrus know just how much he hated him for putting him through all that.

But instead, Jaden's voice was gentle and kind, the voice that drew him from the darkness he found himself in so many times. "Sy... you nearly gave me a heart attack. What happened? What were you doing out there, without your blazer? Are you all right?"

He stroked Syrus' hair as he spoke. It was more than a sign of affection--he _needed _to feel him, make sure that Syrus was really safe, and alive, not just some ghost coming back to haunt him. But he was real, and he was going to be all right.

Jaden suddenly went numb, save for a sharp pain in his throat. Syrus _wasn't _going to be all right. Something was terribly wrong with him. It had to be--there was just no way he'd be out in the middle of the woods on such a cold night, deliberately leaving his jacket behind. He'd tried to take his own life--_again._

What was wrong this time? What could have possibly happened since the last attempt to make him want to do it again?

He'd forgiven Zane. It couldn't have been his fault.

But the only other person Syrus had been with all day was...

No, it couldn't have been... what could he have done to make Syrus this upset?

Jaden felt his stomach heave, as he suddenly recalled the last time he had spoken to him. He had obviously been unhappy when he'd left. Jaden shuddered. How could he be so stupid? How could he not have seen that that something was wrong? He'd tried to convince Syrus to let him go with him--why hadn't he tried _harder_?

Syrus felt the pressure of Jaden's impossibly tightened embrace, feeling his ribs press against him arms when he tried to inhale. He was even more startled to hear his friend's choked sobs, and feel his tears falling onto and rolling down his bare shoulders.

It wasn't until then that he realized that he wasn't wearing a shirt. Jaden must have pulled it off, trying to warm him up. It had been soaking wet and probably beginning to freeze to him in the cold, and Jaden knew he would probably die if he'd left it on.

He wanted him alive. But...why?

"Jaden, what's wrong?" he whimpered, feeling his own heart ache out of sympathy for his companion.

"Sy... I'm sorry," Jaden said, his voice hoarse and ragged. Syrus realized he must have had a sore throat. Had Jaden been crying before he'd woken up?

Crying over him?

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong," he said softly. "I did. This is all my fault... I don't care if you get mad at me, just don't cry, Jaden, _please _don't cry."

If he weren't so tightly constricted, he would have put his arms around Jaden, nuzzling his neck, any possible thing he could do to make him feel better without having to speak. It was all he could have done, even then, for he had nothing to say.

His own silent accusations of himself were enough. How could he have done such a thing? Maybe he wasn't worth anything, but he did have a reason to live. And that reason was Jaden.

He _did _care. He _would _miss him. He _did _want him.

Syrus cared about him.

He would have missed him.

And he did want him. He wanted him back.

The old Jaden, who liked him for who he was. Who didn't pity him, or grieve for him. Who didn't shed tears over anything, least of all Syrus' suicide, or his attempt at it anyway.

Jaden had only kissed him after he'd slit his wrists. He was only holding him now because he had almost died... Maybe he did really love him, but it didn't matter. Most of all, Jaden just felt sorry for him.

"I'm--fine," Jaden sighed after a moment. He drew a deep breath, then relaxed his grip slightly. Syrus, grateful for the freedom, sank back against him, closing his eyes.

"It's okay, Sy, you're gonna be all right," Jaden said, sliding his hand down Syrus' arm, and placing it on top of the other's. Gently, he curled his fingers under his palms. "You just scared me, that's all. What were you doing out there in the middle of the night, without your blazer? You could have frozen to dea--" He stopped short, his voice hardening. "Syrus. You didn't... did you?"

"_What_?" Syrus cried defensively. "Why would I--? I mean, I-I couldn't do that to you--"

"No, it's not what you'd be doing to be, it's what you'd be doing to _yourself._" Jaden sighed. "Since you didn't, then it doesn't really matter. But if that's not it, then what _did _happen?"

Syrus cringed, hoping the motion went un-noticed by Jaden. He hated to lie to him, but he couldn't tell him he'd tried to kill himself again. He knew he was a terrible person to decieve him, and to have even nearly hurt him so badly again. But he'd done it so he _wouldn't _hurt Jaden.

So what had that made it? Justifiable suicide?

"I... well, I finished washing off my arm, and I decided to go for a walk, to clear my head." He paused, keen to Jaden's faint, steady breathing, anxious as to whether he would believe it.

"I get it now," he said slowly. "But... then why didn't you take your blazer with you?"

"Well, I--uh... I took it off so I wouldn't get it wet while I was cleaning my cuts."

"No kidding," Jaden replied. Your shirt was dripping wet. What did you do, just lie under the faucet or something? And why didn't you put it back on before you left?"

Syrus paused, frantically thinking of an answer.

"I guess I was just so pre-occupied, I forgot all about it." It came out almost as much a question as a statement, almost as though he were asking Jaden whether he was really going to fall for this.

But instead of the pained accusation of being a liar and a loser, Syrus heard a deep sigh of relief escape him. He felt every muscle in Jaden's body relax, and his hand press down just slightly on top of his own.

"I'm sorry," he said hoarsely. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that. I got all worked up over nothing. It was just an honest mistake. Don't feel bad about it, I'm just glad you're all right."

He placed his free arm around Syrus. "Come on, you'd better get some rest. You've had a long day."

Syrus groaned. No kidding. And he'd just guaranteed himself a long night--restlessly berating himself for everything he'd done wrong that day. Even taking his own life seemed to be second in caliber beside lying to Jaden. The one person in the entire world who cared about him, and one of two people in the entire world he cared about. Jaden trusted him, and he'd let him down--_again. _

He sat up, twisting himself around to the side of the bed, and started to rise. He probably should get back in his own bed and--

"What are you doing?" Jaden asked.

Puzzled, Syrus turned and answered, "I'm going to be, like you told me."

Jaden smiled gently. "I didn't mean you had to leave. Come on, you're still cold from being out so long. If you sleep in my bed, I can keep you warm."

Syrus sat back down on the edge of the bed. What was this--another way for Jaden to show his sympathy? Or just an honest attempt to help him?

Either way, he was in no mood to refuse.

He lay back down, and Jaden pulled the blanket over him. He hung one arm over Syrus' side, pulling him close. Syrus shivered, in spite of himself. To think, if he'd just went on with his normal life, letting himself live like the worthless nobody he was, Jaden wouldn't have ever thought to do anything differently. Syrus would be in his own bed, hurting inside, except nobody would know.

He bit down hard on his lip, trying to fight back the tears. It shouldn't have had to come to this. To where he had needed to go this far to get where he was right now, and he was so miserable he couldn't even enjoy it.

For all this suffering, it almost wasn't worth it.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: more review replies, you say? ...oh... you didn't? **

**ah, well, you're getting them anyway.**

**angelic candy: you have a point there. several of them. **

**dreyacira: put your eyes back in your head! you'll need them for reading (and i imagine it couldn't hurt to have them for other things too). and thanks, that's why i like focusing more on the emotional/psychological side of the story. insight is my specialty- lol. **

**amberblood: definitely! i couldn't have this fic without him! and yes, eventually i'll get to that... it only took me nine chapters to get to the incest the first time/diabolical laugh/ **

**kanarah j: ehh, well, i always have thought that the writers did make him a little dense... besides, who says he doesn't-- /claps hand over mouth/ ohh no you don't! read for yourself to find out what's going on, you weasel. lmao )**

**kath-chan: aw, don't cry! it's like somebody else said. aw, man, who WAS it? but the point is, they said that that was the thing about depression- it doesn't let you see the love. **

**shadowvixen: yes, yes he is. perhaps cuter. **

**k-gal5423: it was all right. ski boots are torture on my legs, but besides that... anyway, you have questions. that's... understandable. haaa, but seriously, just relax. you won't be able to find out the answers if your head explodes! roflmao- i don't know where that came from either. **

**ivan's kitsune: well, it's not so much refusal as denial. he's still with the inferiority complex, and he doesn't quite understand why jaden would love him. don't worry, he will...or will he? Oo ... sorry, but suspense just comes natural to me. and hopefully, there will be some kicking of zane's ass. see, always with me and the suspense! just roll with it, k? **

**sofa: hm... so do i. let's see, shall we? )**

**silver-serval: well... not exactly. but you'll see what i mean. i'm glad for your concern for wanting to keep the details straight. **

**ac-the-brain-supreme: no problem, of course i'll make him feel horrible. lol **

**snowbluerat: nah, not MY emotions really. just all the emotions i've ever had to deal with but would like to mull over in story form and put to my favorite characters. glad you're liking it. and if you need help sleeping, you could always try reading het fics. lol- that would put me to sleep, i don't know about you... **

**oh, and that reminds me. there was a very important detail that i got caught up in the excitement of writing this and left out. perhaps i should have mentioned earlier that the reason syrus didn't die and wasn't completely wasted was because his cuts weren't fatal, and while the blood loss did contribute to him eventually passing out, part of it was severe emotional exaustion. nice catch, snowbluerat. i'm glad there are such sharp people willing to help me hammer out the details (beta-less-ness sucks.)**

**ok that's all for now folks. let's get on with the story, then. **

Carefully, _carefully, _he eased himself down. Further, until his legs hung over the end of the bed, and he could simply climb off, without waking Syrus. He felt kind of disappointed- it was such a shame to leave him there all by himself. But he had seen to it that Syrus hadn't woken up alone. He didn't need to be awake for this anyway, when Zane showed up.

Jaden turned back, smiling softly to himself as he watched him sleep. He got that same feeling he had all those nights before, except that the thought of how cute he was when he slept was replaced by a slight feeling of unease. He saw the way Syrus' eyes twitched, the shaky breathing, and knew his friend was in the throes of a bad dream.

That happened sometimes, and always, the next day, Syrus had become even more withdrawn. Now Jaden knew it had been out of shame, because Zane had made him feel that somehow he'd done wrong.

He felt the deep rage rush through him, like scalding water had taken the place of his blood. Syrus had done nothing wrong, except maybe lie to him. And even _that _was for the sake of protecting his brother.

The image of Syrus' badly injured wrist again came to mind, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to rid himself of it.

When he'd pulled the freezing shirt over Syrus' head, he'd taken care with removing the sleeves from both his arms, no longer able to remember which was cut. The right had been fine, and Jaden was especially cautious with freeing the left.

Finally, the sleeve had come off, revealing Syrus' injured arm. Jaden recalled starting, shocked by the sight of it, but trying to keep himself calm, so as not to do any more damage than was already done.

_How could he? _

Jaden tried to be accepting of people. He was no stranger to criticism, and he normally wouldn't be so quick to judge anybody.

But this was _Syrus, _for God's sake! _Syrus, _who would never do wrong if he could help it. Who had lived his entire life wanting nothing more than to gain his brother's respect.

Who would die for him.

Taking one final glance behind him, to assure himself that Syrus was still there, he turned the doorknob as slowly as he could and, stepping outside, slid it gently against the frame until he heard it click shut.

Now, all he had to do was wait.

**O-O-O-O**

How could this have happened? Why did it have to happen to Syrus, of all people?

Zane fought back his tears as he strode down the path. It was hard enough to see where he was going, it was so dark, and the wind stung his eyes and made them freeze until they burned. He rubbed his sleeve against his eyes roughly,

Was this how Syrus felt, always trying to keep in control of his emotions? He always lost those struggles with himself, but Zane wasn't used to it. He almost always won, so why should this time be any different?

_Because he's my brother, and I love him, and because he almost died and it's all my fault.That's_ why.

At long last, the Slifer dorms came into sight. Zane hesitated noting the silhuette of a person standing on the deck outside one of the doors.

Jaden.

He wasn't going to be in a good mood, it didn't take a genius to be able to figure that much out. He'd seemed angry enough when he'd showed up at his door, and Zane wasn't even sure he'd _known _about the first incident.

Maybe Syrus had told him about-- _no_. Zane shook his head, denying it to himself. His own brother wouldn't betray him that way... would he?

_But what about the way _I _betrayed _himhe reminded himself. _Everything I've ever done to hurt him, he has every right to. _

Still, some small part of him still felt that it wasn't that Syrus wouldn't have the disloyalty to tell someone, but he wouldn't have the courage. As if he were too afraid of Zane to say anything at all.

That was what really hurt him. That his own little brother, who he had thought looked up to him and emulated him, was actually frightened of him.

It was wrong, it was _all wrong. _Zane should love his brother, not be _in _love with him. Syrus should love his brother, not be _afraid _of him.

He could have kept quiet just to protect him, but for what purpose? Syrus had no idea- he thought Zane hated him. What reason would there be to love someone if they didn't love you back, at least as far as he knew? If anything, he should have told just to get back at him.

But Syrus wasn't like that. He didn't have a hateful bone in his body. The thought of exacting revenge on anybody had probably never crossed his mind, although there had been some occaisons it could have. He couldn't hold a grudge as long as he could hold a fifty-pound weight. Syrus was so full of self-doubt, he was probably too afraid to offend anybody, and have them leave, to do anything about it.

Zane took one slow stpe forward, then another. He didn't care if Jaden knew or not, or even what he was going to do to him if he did. He had to see his brother. Syrus still had something to learn.

He couldn't lose his own brother that easily.

**O-O-O-O**

"Zane, I want to talk to you."

Zane kept his back turned to him, as if he didn't hear--or didn't care. Syrus stood at the far end of the dock, waiting for some kind of a response, but there was none.

"Zane," he pleaded. "Nii-san, I _have _to talk to you. Come on, it's important."

He turned, but only slightly, glaring at him out of the corner of his eye. "What did you call me?" he asked in his low, hoarse voice. Syrus couldn't read the expression on his face, but he sounded the way he always did when he addressed him--annoyed, perhaps angry. At least that was what he heard.

"Zane?" he guessed innocently.

"No, _what _did you _call _me?" Zane asked again, sounding more irritated.

"N-nii-i-san?" Syrus stammered. "Why? W-what's wrong?"

He started at his older brother as he turned away, entire body tensed, the sound of his ragged breaths somehow audible above the churning of the waves.

Zane sighed heavily, and turned back to face him, still keeping the rest of his body facing the sea.

"There's no way," he said harshly. "You cannot be my brother. There's just no way."

And with that, he edged one foot off the edge of the dock.

"Zane? What are you--Zane, _no! _Don't, please don't do this! _Zane!_" Syrus cried out, feeling himself rush forward to get to him, pull him back before he fell.

"_Nii-san!_"

He reached out, only to have his fingertips come in contact with the white material, before he could feel nothing but air, as Zane sank below the surface into the deep, black water.

**O-O-O-O**

"_Zane!_"

Syrus screamed, panting heavily. He reached out again, still feeling nothing.

_No... _He couldn't let him fall again...

Again?

He cleared his mind of everything, concentrating until his world shrank to every breath he took. And then it came to him. This had happened before, in a dream.

The dream that had woken him up just that morning. The dream that he'd confessed about to Jaden, which made him insist that he talk to Zane...

The dream that had caused this whole mess. Everything had been dormant. He could keep a safe distance from his brother, he could ignore the deep hurt inside of him. He could keep lying to himself.

It was too much to think about now. He just wanted to think about something else. _Anything_ else.

Syrus opened his eyes. He wasn't at the dock. He was in bed, in his room.

He was also alone.

The previous scene flooded back into his mind. Jaden had been there just a moment ago, right beside him, hadn't he? He shuddered, still able to feel his arms around him. Feel the way Jaden's tears slid down his shoulder--he'd been crying over him. Another jolt ran through him, but it was a heavy and sickening feeling.

But where _was _he then?

Syrus slowly climbed out of bed. Every muscle in his body ached. His skin was sore, and every time it brushed against the sheets as he tried to get himself up, it almost burned. The worst sting of all came from the gashes on his wrists. He paused to look at them. They had seemed a lot less severe before, once the blood was washed away. Now the skin around them was bright red, and beneath the scabs, a clear liquid was beginning to form around the edges. It hurt him almost as much to look at as it did to know it was _his _arm. It was probably infected already, he'd waited so long to tend to his wounds.

But that was the least of his problems now. He had to find Jaden. Where could he possibly be, this late at night?

He weakly twisted the knob, and was about the pull the door open when he heard it.

"You can't see him."

_Jaden?_

"He's my _brother._"

Syrus held his breath. Zane was out there too?

"Yeah, well, you sure don't act like it."

"What do you mean?"

"What I _mean _is," Jaden snarled, "you don't _do _something like this to your brother. You shouldn't do it to _anyone, _especially not your _brother._"

Syrus carefully backed away from the door, praying the floor didn't squeak and let them know he was there. It was wrong to eavesdrop--this wasn't something he was supposed to hear. But they were talking about him, so he might as well. Whatever it was, he wanted to know. He pressed his back to the wall beside the doorway, sliding down to the floor.

"What are you talking about?" Zane demanded. _So he _did _tell Jaden, _he thought to himself. He couldn't decide if he was more angry or proud of him.

"You know what I'm talking about," Jaden snapped. "His wrist. What happened?"

"I saw the cuts." There was a long stretch of silence. "What? Do you think _I _did that to him?"

"No, I don't. I _know _you didn't do it to him. But you made him do it."

"How?" _How could making him think I didn't love him make him want to kill himself? He still has _you, _what does he need me for? He's got someone else to live for now, someone that he _knows _loves him back. _

"He told me what you did. What I want to know is why?"

"Why _what? _What did I do to make him cut himself?"

"You kissed him. And I want to know _why._"

Zane didn't answer him. He thought back to when it had happened. He'd just... he's lost control. All that time, he'd kept it inside of him, refusing even to accept that that feeling was there, until finally, it had just _happened. _

"Because I love him, that's why. He's my brother." Neither statement was a lie. He did love Syrus, and he was his brother. It wasn't the kind of love you had for someone _because _he was your brother, but Jaden would make that connection anyway, so Zane could just let him think what he wanted to.

"Somehow he decided you did it because you hated him. Now where would he get that idea?"

Unknown to either of them, both Zane and Syrus cringed at the tone of Jaden's voice. Usually he seemed so cheerful and upbeat, but now he seemed so bitter, so hostile. This wasn't anything like him.

"Well, he thought wrong. I don't hate him."

"Then why did you break his arm?"

There was a dead silence. Zane's eyes widened, pupils dialated with fear. He was only grateful that Syrus wasn't around to see him now. He would hardly recognize him, with such a... _human _expression on his face. Showing such emotion--it just wasn't like him.

"His arm is broken?"

"You should know--_you _were the one who did it!" Jaden shouted, stepping forward. Despite himself, Zane staggered back, trying to keep his footing. He gripped the freezing metal railing, knowing that if he were to go over it... well, it would be a long way to the ground. And Jaden seemed very willing to help him down.

"How do you figure that?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice steady.

"How else would it have happened?" Jaden challenged. "You probably did it when you got him alone with you, didn't you? I _knew _I shouldn't have let him go by himself."

Zane felt his muscles, so tightly constricted, relax just a bit. So Syrus hadn't told him anything. Jaden just assumed it had been him.

"I wouldn't hurt my brother." That wasn't exactly lying, was it? He would never _try _to hurt Syrus. He just hadn't been thinking. He hadn't _meant _to hurt him.

Syrus felt his throat tighten. How could Zane lie like that? He _had _been the one to twist his arm. He knew Zane was just trying not to anger Jaden any further, but still... he was lying. It wasn't true. He _would _hurt Syrus and he _did _hurt him.

"Then what else could it be?" Jaden clearly didn't believe him.

"How should I know? Alexis said you found him in the woods. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he fell and hurt himself that way?" Technically, he still hadn't lied. He was just suggesting that it _might _have happened, not that it _had. _And _that _would have been lying.

"Maybe, but he didn't."

Zane stared at him questioningly. "How do you know that?"

Jaden narrowed his eyes, glaring at him, and replied coldly, "You just told me."

"What do you mean? I didn't tell you anything."

"Yes, you _did. _When I said that he didn't, you assumed that I knew, and you dropped you act. I thought you were lying, but now I _know _you were."

Syrus felt deep guilt, and with it, a heavy feeling of unease, wrap around his heart. If Jaden knew that Zane had been lying, did he know that Syrus really _had _left his blazer on purpose? That he had gone out like that on purpose?

He rested his head on his knees and held his arms around his legs.

And now Jaden knew that Zane really had hurt him. So it was only a matter of time before he got around to accusing Syrus of lying to him about what had happened between them in Zane's room, too.

_Jaden,_ he pleaded silently. _Please don't be mad... don't be mad at me, _or _at Zane. He didn't do anything wrong, he just did what anybody would do to someone as pathetic as me. Well, anybody but you, anyway._

"Jaden, I--"

"Go."

"What?" Again, Zane was caught off by the tone of Jaden's voice, now even harded and more furious.

"I said _go_! Get out of here!"

Syrus twisted back around and scrambled away from the door. He'd been startled to hear Jaden sound so angry before, but now he was absolutely terrified. He pulled himself up by the edge of the bed, hurrying to pull the covers over himself and lay as still as he possibly could. He was too frightened even to _move. _

He squeezed his eyes shut, and curled up as tightly as he could, but he still could hear the two of them arguing outside the door.

"I'm not leaving until I see my brother. I want to know that he's all right--"

"Why do you even care? It's your fault that he's _not _all right. Besides, he's sleeping, and I don't want to wake him up. He doesn't want to see you anyway."

"How do you know?"

"Why would he want to see _you _anyway? Just leave him alone!"

Zane ground his teeth together. "I can't do that. I need to see him."

"Leave...him..._alone._"

The empty silence that followed was choking Syrus, and he didn't realize that he was holding his breath until his chest began to hurt. He inhaled and exhaled as quietly as he could, straining to hear any reply from his brother.

But Zane said nothing. When the door swung open, slamming against the wall and hen slamming shut, Syrus knew that he had taken Jaden's advice and left.

If Jaden thought that Zane coming to see him would disturb his sleep, did he think all this yelling and banging was some sort of lullaby or something?

He heard Jaden's footsteps coming closer and closer to the bed, and he froze completely, feeling every joint lock up. He couldn't move, he couldn't _breathe. _Jaden had just lost his mind, who knew what he would do next? Syrus had no idea what to expect, he just knew that it couldn't be good.

Instead, he kneeled on the edge of the bed, and carefully pulled himself back into his place against the wall, pulling the covers back up over both of them and again and putting his arm back over Syrus.

The bluenette wondered if he could feel the tremors running through his body, the way he went absolutely still at his touch. He wondered if Jaden knew he was really wide awake. After all, he knew now that Jaden couldn't be fooled so easily.

But soon he heard Jaden's breathing become steady. He was asleep.

Syrus sighed softly. It must be nice to be able to sleep so soundly. No nightmares, no worries, at least not now. Syrus couldn't even escape his troubles in his sleep.

**okay, that's about enough angst for one chapter, don't you think? **

**sorry to make jaden so OOC, but the way i see it, his character on the real show never had to deal with a friend's near-suicide before, so i;m just making my own guess as to how he would react. **

**anyway, thanks for the reviews, and a specal thanks to silver-serval and snowbluerat for their sharp eyes for detail. R & R )**


	15. Chapter 15

**dannyfentonismyhomeboy: well... in the immortal words of larry the cable guy, "second cousins don't count." so.. i guess just first cousins? i wouldn't know, i'm not THAT much of a redneck, but i guess anyone that cloesly related, it would be considered incest. oh, and thanks, i do my best. now if only i could do better... lol **

**shadowvixen: well ok, if it will make you feel better. **

**silver-serval: exactly right. plus i kinda tried to imply that he was stalling as he got closer... ah, never mind. good work. **

**marthsgirls: yes, homework is everybody's anti-yaoi, isn't it? but since yaoi is mah anti-drug, and drugs are worth money, and money is the root of all evil, and homework prevents yaoi (the anti-drug)... homework is the root of all evil! see, this is why i try not to think too much. it causes general paranoai and upset. yay. lmao thanks for the reviews (all of them). **

**sofa: i am? cool! i've actually seen a story that was around sixty chapters long, and if that went the same way you say my story does, everybody would kill themselves by then! good thing i don't carry on so, eh? **

**ivan's kitsune: yeah, and i 'almost' didn't want to write him getting a severe tongue-lashing. ALMOST. in the end, it was just too much fun. hope i could clear up that thing that was annoying you. i hate pissing people off when i don't mean to (but when i do- major LOLs). **

**snowbluerat: well, too much suicidal stuff in one chapter would be overkill (no pun intended... until now). **

**kath-chan: i love the whole "protective" thing as much as you do. that would be so sweet to see in the real anime, all drawn out... note to self: make time for plotting. lol**

**dreyacira: the way i see it, psychology is more interesting. i'd rather focus on what's going on in someone's head than--er, than anywhere else. intense emotional scenes are my favorites. **

**m.zhang-marafuji ryou lover: aww, don't feel bad! i don't hate zane either. he's only as angst-ridden as everyone else in this story. and as to whether jaden hates zane... well, that's just going to stay a surprise for now, k? **

**angelic candy: jaden was kinda too caught up in being mad to care if zane had peace of mind. perhaps wanted him to suffer a little...? and as for whether zane will ever get to see syrus again, EVER--well, that's for me to know, and you to find out. and no problem, your story was freaking sweet. **

**amberblood: aw, don't cry! i try to make my dillemmas interesting. **

**k-gal5423: nice french--LOL. just relax, man. of course he has to give up at some point, he is very badly hurt on the inside. yeah, i'm always sarcastic like that. but really, it's not giving up--damn, you people need to stop with the reverse psychology, spoilers just aren't my thing, you know? haa. and what of alexis? good question. you'll see. **

**kanarah j: ooh, i don't know... perhaps he might, perhaps me might not. it's ok, i think it would be interesting too. glad you like my angst-writing abilities. i try to keep it good, if i don't like it, how do i expect anyone else to? and i'm glad you do. **

**just someone: that's ok, as long as you're liking it**

**wackyjacky2: brilliant? well, i don't know about that, but thanks.**

**xxsexiitxx: three WEEKS? you poor thing... thanks for the comment though. **

**alph.: well, i try. i hate to see characters just completely out of their persona, even in fiction. i don't know, though, later on maybe you got let down a little. i sure hope not, because that would suck. hope you're enjoying it. **

**beautyheart18: you'll see... /more evil diabolical laughter/**

**O.o-moon light fire demon-O.o: don't die on me, damn it! lol **

**w.w.w. 147: agreed. angst is good. **

**hyperryu-chan 69: thanks**

**ac-the-brain-supreme: of course he would. Oo**

It wasn't the cold that woke him--normally he could sleep through anything. Well, _almost _anything, if he didn't count Syrus' morning habit of badgering him until he came to consciousness.

It was his favorite thing to wake up to, Syrus sporting his adorable trademark pout, that pleading look in his big, beautiful grey eyes. Then there were the times he caught himself, still half-asleep, thinking that it was too bad all he was pleading for was for him to get dressed and on his way to class.

It was really just remnants of some dream or another. He would pull Syrus close and press his lips to the other's. He could spend all night that way. Come to think of it, he could do that if it _weren't _a dream.

Of course, that was before he was completely awake, and could contemplate about how wrong that was.

On the other hand, that was before. Now there were so many worse things that had come to his attention, and he couldn't be bothered with that anymore.

Didn't mean he couldn't still feel that way. After all, now he _knew..._

Jaden thought for a moment. How long had it been, that this feeling had been closing in on him, before it had taken over? How many times had he laid eyes on Syrus and seen nothing more than his friend, before he realized that he saw more?

Was it fair to him that Jaden had kept it from him so long? Was it fair that he had waited to tell him?

Syrus didn't feel loved. He didn't know... If he had, would he ever have slit his wrists? Would he ever have gotten so down on himself that he had tried to confront Zane? Jaden knew that had been a mistake. After all, where had that gotten any of them?

Jaden tried to focus. He had to re-direct that train of thought before he actually came to think the words: _It's all my fault. _After all, he would have nothing to feel guilty about if it hadn't been for Zane. He'd severed his ties with Syrus, and Jaden had simply picked up where he left off. Sort of stepped in, filling the role of brother, of protector, of role model. He had always been more than 'just a friend' to Syrus before. Now was no different.

Finally, that sorely-missed distraction came to him.

Where _was _Syrus?

Jaden propped himself up, squinting to read the alarm clock on the desk. _Oh, it's only eight-twenty-six-- wait, _eight-_twenty-six? Class is already started! Why didn't Sy--_

Trying to move his way over to the edge of the bed, he looked down at the sleeping form by his side.

Like a bad dream, the night before triggered in his memory. Getting Syrus back to sleep. His argument with Zane. It made his head hurt just thinking about it. Syrus must really have been out of it, not to hear anything.

Jaden glanced back down at his friend. Should he even _try _to wake him? After everything he'd been through yesterday, class was out of the question. He was definitely still exhausted, and more than likely he'd caught a cold. What was more, how would he even face anybody? He wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a good liar. Chances were, he would break down and tell someone.

Then what? Suspension? Expulsion, even? What would they do with him? Jaden writed at the thought of his sensitive, high-strung friend locked up in an institution. He wasn't insane yet, but he would be if he was put in one of those places. Cold, sterile, and more than anything lonely. Syrus would be so lost there.

And Jaden would be lost without _him. _

He smiled sadly at Syrus, and put his hand gently on his shoulder.

"Syrus," he whispered softly. "Syrus? You okay? Sy--"

He leaned over, gently pressing his lips to Syrus' forehead.

"What the...?" Jaden pulled away, and placed his hand to his friend's flushed skin. Syrus was burning up.

The blunette let out a low moan, and stirred, but didn't wake up.

Jaden sighed. There was no way he could go to class, and leave Syrus alone like this. He needed somebody to take care of him...

_Even more that usual._

He grimaced at the thought. Wasn't that how this whole mess had started? Syrus considered himself a burden. He wasn't stupid--he just didn't know. He wasn't aware of the fact that everybody needed help sometimes. Not everybody could live without someone to love them and care about them.

_What he needs, _Jaden thought gravely, _is to stop following his brother's lead. _

He settled back down, slipping one arm underneath the younger boy and pulling him close. Jaden felt him trembling violently, the colvulsion never ceasing. It was worse than he thought--Syrus was really ill.

But what was he going to do? Take him to the school nurse? She'd have to ask what happened, and he'd have no choice but to tell her. And she'd keep on asking, too. Why was he out so late? What was bothering him? What happened?

And there was no way to answer those questions without betraying Syrus' trust. Without running the risk of him ending up in an asylum.

But he couldn't just _not _get him help. What if Syrus... Jaden bit back his emotion, the potent and unbearable combination of panic and grief that had overtaken him before.

He couldn't ignore it, either. The questions, those merciless 'what ifs', just kept coming. What if Syrus died? Worse yet, what if he lived, and was taken away? What if he lived, and stayed at the academy, bearing this burden and having to face Zane day after day? The possibility of Syrus winding up in an asylum bothered Jaden the most.

_What if he was taken away? _

For a fleeting moment, it seemed kind of cruel to think Syrus would be better off dead, but at least he would be at rest. Not like in one of those places, where he'd be kept alive inside those cold, sterile walls, all by himself. He'd go in troubled and come out mad.

Jaden shook his head--_hard--_almost as if to force those thoughts out. There was no way that was going to happen. It just... _couldn't. _

Still, he couldn't help but hold Syrus just a little tighter. He knew it wouldn't help anything, but at this point he was willing to do anything--no matter how irrational--to protect him.

Hearing those weak, gasping breaths only troubled him further. Syrus was in trouble, whether Jaden got help for him or not.

He ran his hand up and down Syrus' back, speaking softly to him, although the trembling was caused by his sickness, he probably was still upset anyway. It didn't really even matter what he said--it wasn't as if Syrus was really hearing any of it, and if he was, the fever kept him from understanding a word.

And so Jaden told him. There were so many things he couldn't express in just three words. It wasn't just love--it was regret. He wanted to ask him if he could have saved him, if he'd told him sooner. He wanted to tell him that he knew what Zane had done to him, and that he wasn't angry, just confused. Didn't Syrus trust him? What did he think Jaden would do if he knew?

Most of all, he wanted to say that he wished he could see what it was like. Love _without _all this regret. To be able to get close to Syrus, without getting so tangled up in these problems, without ruining him further.

But then again, who cared what he said? Certainly not Syrus. It was as if he could hear what Jaden was saying, but didn't understand. His voice seemed to be calming him down, and even if it wasn't really true, at any rate Jaden could feel him beginning to relax. Whatever state this fever had him in, he was getting better. Not by a lot, but it was something.

"Jaden!"

Jolted from his reverie, he turned back as far as he could while still holding Syrus, to see Alexis standing at the door, _his _blazer clutched in one hand, her arms folded across her chest. She made her way over to the bed, avoiding eye contact until she stood right beside him.

If he didn't know any better, he'd have thought she was... mad... about something.

But her tone was the same as always when she said, "I.. I came to see how you were doing."

"Huh?" Jaden was confused. Didn't she mean that she came to see how _Syrus _was doing? "He's sick, Alexis. He's got a fever, and--"

"No, Jaden, I mean how are _you _doing? Last night... you know... you seemed pretty upset--"

"Syrus could have been dead," he interrupted her, forcing the words to form. "Of course I was upset."

Alexis gave a small nod. _Idiot, _she scolded herself. _You saw him last night. There's no way he's all right. And now Syrus is sick.. he's probably feeling even worse. _

"I'm sorry, I just- I was worried about you. So, how is he?"

Jaden sighed heavily, and cast a painful glance at the boy lying limply in his arms. "Not good. Staying out so long really did a number on him. I think it's serious."

"You can just stay here. I'll get the nurse to come--"

"No."

"What?" Alexis, surprised, stopped dead in her tracks, and turning on her heel walked stiffly back to the bed. "Jaden, what are you talking about? If he's sick, then we need to find out what's wrong with him."

Jaden sat quietly, keeping his eyes focused on Syrus. He looked pained... torn... as if he were having one of those debates with himself again. Why wasn't he answering her? What was wrong? Why wouldn't he let her get someone to help Syrus?

"Jaden."

"You can't. I don't know.. what if they..?"

"What if they _what_? Jaden, what's going on? Why can't we get him help?"

"They're going to take him away. Lock him up in some mental hospital or something."

Alexis bit her lip, thinking of the night before. She already knew that Syrus had tried to kill himself, and if Jaden was so hesitant to get him to a doctor, then there was probably some kind of physical evidence of it. She'd wanted to know so badly what was going on... and now she didn't even care anymore. She could put her curiosity on hold for now. It was obvious to her by now that her feelings didn't matter to anyone--Jaden _or _herself--nearly as much as Syrus did. What was important was to help him. She could worry about what she was helping _with _later.

"I know... but look at him, Jaden. There's something really wrong with him. I know you're afraid of what will happen to him if anyone finds out, but what if you keep him here and... you know..." Alexis couldn't quite bring herself to finish the sentence, but they both knew what she was trying to say.

"And you're saying he'll be any better off there?"

Alexis instinctively stepped back, suddenly made fearful by his outburst. Still her thoughts drew back to the night before, when he had seemed so... so much like he was on the edge. When it came to Syrus, and when it came to his safety and his happiness, Jaden became almost like a different person.

And it wasn't the person she loved.

What had happened to that boy, so full of confidence and spirit?

Not only that, but what had happened to Syrus? Sure, he was the weaker of the two, but not like this. He'd been getting so much better since he'd met Jaden. He believed in himself. He wasn't at all the same weak, hopeless kid that Zane had told her about before.

They made each other so happy just by being friends, and now caring for each other was what was making them so miserable.

"Well, if he tried to... you know... " _Why can't I just come out and say it? He tried to kill himself. He almost died. It's the truth. What is so hard? _

A look back at Jaden holding onto Syrus as if he expected them to come and take him away any moment, was all she needed to remind herself. The Jaden she loved was still in there somewhere, and she didn't want to see him hurt. The very mention of it would just cause him more heartache.

"What I'm saying is, maybe it's not just medical attention he needs. Syrus is a nice kid and all, but there's obviously something very wrong with him. I know you would miss him--" _Do I ever _"--but he would probably be a lot safer there. And they could probably help him get over whatever's bothering him. He'd be a lot happier."

There was a long pause, and Alexis shifted uneasily in the silence, waiting, and watching Jaden as he sat perfectly still, deep in thought. With his eyes closed, it was impossible to tell what was going through his head.

He only wanted what was best for Syrus, but obviously he felt that the best thing was to try and keep him at the academy at any cost--even his life. Was it, though? Could Syrus really believe that being seperated from Jaden really be a fate worse than death?

Alexis had to admit that that sounded about right. She'd gone over that scenario in her head a few times herself. She never meant to, but sometimes the realization of just how good a duelist Jaden was came to her when she least wanted to consider it. He was going to be famous someday, and for all her talent, she just wasn't. He'd go off and become the next king of games, the way he liked to boast about it, and forget all about her.

And as disappointing as that sounded, she had to ask herself, did it really mean that much to her? Sure, he was nice. Cute, funny, and naturally an underdog. All the qualities of your basic boy-next-door, plus incomparable talent. She'd only seen him lose one duel in all the time she'd known him, after all, and even that was to Zane, so it hadn't come as a major shock...

That was just it. He _was _great. And she _did _want to tell him how she felt. But between his being inseperable from Syrus, and her own hesitations, those rare moments she got alone with him always ended up seeming wasted.

If he was so wonderful, why did it matter? Wasn't it worth the risk of rejection, just because she might have had a shot?

Only now she knew that she didn't, and she never had.

Not only did Jaden love Syrus more, but the feeling was mutual. Had that been the realization that had driven the bluenette over the edge?

She shook her head, trying to deny it to herself. No... Jaden had told her, however vaguely, that this was Zane's doing.

Zane... what had ever happened to him, anyway? She'd have to remember to ask Jaden, assuming he ever snapped out of it. He'd been heading that way the other night, so chances were he had made it there. But the way things were trending, she couldn't begin to imagine how that might have turned out.

"You're right."

Jaden spoke quietly, as if in defeat. Alexis sat reluctantly beside him on the edge of the bed, not daring to disturb him.

"You're absolutely right," he said again. "It's just... well, say he does end up in an asylum. Sure, we'll have saved his life, but--"

"You're afraid he'll be mad at you."

"No, it's not that. I mean, I don't think he'll be mad. Just... disappointed. I mean, he _trusts _me. And I know he wouldn't want that."

"But Jaden--"

"I know, I know, you're right. Maybe he can get through this. We do need to get him some help, because obviously I can't do it on my own."

He sounded so hurt. Alexis bit her lip. Did he blame himself for this? He'd said just last night that what was going on was Zane's fault. She clenched her teeth. What the hell was going _on_?

"Jaden, what happened?"

He looked up, startled by the demand. "Huh?"

Alexis paused. _Idiot, he doesn't know what you're talking about. _She knew they were all changing. Before all of this, she never would have spoken before she gave it at least some thought.

But that was before. What mattered was _now_.

"I mean," she said, trying her best to regain her composure, "what's going on? I want to help you, and I want to help Syrus, but I can only do so much without knowing what I'm doing and why I'm doing it."

"I don't think Syrus would--"

"Look at him," she interrupted, gesturing to the frail boy lying limply in his arms. "I know he would want you to tell me. You have to do what's best for him. Maybe he doesn't want ayone to know, but he obviously needs someone to take the wheel for him, at least for now. He can't take care of himself. Jaden, he needs you."

Jaden ran his hand up and down Syrus' back, staring straight ahead, so completely lost in thought. _Come to think of it.. he just looks lost._

But he wasn't lost at all. He was right there, feeling the sting of Syrus' fevered skin under his hand. The shaky way his chest moved up and down with each labored breath. The pitiful, sick boy lying helplessly against him.. Alexis was right. Syrus did need him. He probably wouldn't be angry at him for saving his _life, _after all. And even if he was, it wouldn't matter at all. Maybe he would resent Jaden for telling her, but at least he would live to resent it.

"This is my fault."

"Huh?" Alexis, startled, snapped to full attention, her mind going blank. "What... what do you mean, your fault? You told me--"

"Yeah, I know," Jaden interrupted. "But I'm the one that... I mean, if I had just stayed out of it... "

"Stayed out of what?"

Jaden paused, before finally answering, "Them. _Both _of them. Syrus and Zane were doing just fine, you know, not speaking, until I went and made Syrus try and talk to him. Well... I guess I was wrong. Zane didn't hate him at all. In fact, he loved him so much he went and kissed him--" He forced back the bile in his throat. It didn't even _sound _right. That heartless monster even touching _his _Syrus... hurting him... breaking him and driving him mad..

"_Kissed _him?" Alexis repeated incredulously. That didn't sound like something Zane would do. Then again, none of them were doing things they usually would. But still, this seemed even _more _strange to her.

"Yeah... well, the point is, Syrus thought he did it because he hated him, and I guess he just bolted. All I know is, I got back to the dorm maybe a couple of hours later, and found Sy passed out on the floor. He cut his wrists open. He... he tried to... kill himself..."

Jaden stopped speaking for a moment, just to keep control of his breathing, just trying his best to get the words to form despite the constricting of his chest. Alexis, feeling more and more helpless, turned away, eyes locked on the floor, trying to focus on anything else.

The only thing that caught her eye was the discoloration of the carpet around the desk. Faded, but still noticable, the faintly reddish stain spread out for about a foot from one clean spot near the chair._That must be where he was when Jaden found him. _She remembered the way Jaden had been acting when he'd found Syrus in the woods--bewildered, grief-stricken, seeming almost physically pained at not knowing if the other boy was still alive. She could only imagine the same scene playing out in this room.

"So... like an idiot... I took him back over there... "

Alexis started, so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she had forgotten Jaden was still trying to speak. "Jaden.. you're not an idiot. You didn't know."

"But I _should _have. I should never have let him go alone.."

"Didn't you just day you went with him?"

"Yeah, but he insisted on talking to Zane alone. So they went into his room and I waited for them. I could kind of hear Syrus crying, but I knew he was upset, so I thought he was all right. And he _wasn't. _I should have known better. After he came back out, Sy told me that they made up, and that everything was okay. I _believed _him. He looked like he was all right.

"And then I went and left him alone, to clean the blood off of his arm. He told me he would be right back, and I believed that, too. It was another stupid mistake. I came back here and went to sleep. I don't know when exactly I woke up, but it was late, and Sy still wasn't back yet. So I went to look for him, and he was gone. The floor was all wet, and he'd left his jacket on the floor. He went out there all by himself, and... I thought he was... he... that he was trying to kill himself _again. _I.. I just panicked. And I ran out after him. So, yeah, that's where you came in."

Nodding silently, she leaned over to look straight into his eyes.

"Jaden, please don't blame yourself. You were only trying to help. Zane was the one who--"

"That was when I promised myself, promised _Syrus, _that I wasn't going to make any more mistakes like that. I knew better than to believe him anymore, and I knew better than to believe Zane, either." He glanced down. "Look at his arm, the left one. Look at his wrist."

Alexis did so, and suppressed a cry of shock. "Ohhhh... h-how--?" she stammered. "How.. did it g-get so... I mean, um.. I didn't think c-cutting yourself would make your arm swell up that badly."

"It doesn't," Jaden replied shortly. "But what _does _make it swollen is having your older brother break it."

Staring wide-eyed with shock, Alexis tore her eyes away from the gruesome sight and looked back up at him. "You mean.. Zane did this? _Why_?"

"I don't know," he snapped. Then, seeing the hurt look on her face, added, "I'm sorry, it's just... I don't know what made him do it, but when I saw it, I felt like going out and breaking _his _arm. I mean, how _could _he? What did Sy ever do to him, beside idolize him and talk about him like he was some kind of a _hero _or something? He wanted to be just like him.. he was so down on himself because he wasn't as good as Zane. He wasn't as good a _duelist _as Zane, but dueling's about the only thing that guy's got going for him. At least Syrus is a good person. He's sweet, and he's caring, and he's... " _He's beautiful. He's an angel. I _love_ him. _"He deserves better. Nobody should be treated that way, but especially not Syrus."

Alexis caught the tiny hint of a smile while he paused. No matter how depressed or angry he was, just thinking about Syus, talking about his sweet, caring _boyfriend, _always brought a smile to his face. _Like you can't do? _she thought bitterly to herself. And why not? That's what they were, anyway, boyfriends. There was no 'girlfriend' in this situation. _Just a girl he likes as a friend. _

"You're right," she said quietly, not even thinking. "He does deserve better. He deserves you."

"What?" Jaden replied. "I didn't hear you."

"Oh! Um.. nothing. Just talking to myself, I guess. Come on, we have to get him to a doctor. We'd... um... we'd better hurry."

Abandoning interest in her remark, Jaden nodded. Carefully, he lay Syrus back down on the bed, and stood up, stretching his stiff arms and legs. He slid one arm behind his sleeping friend's neck, and other other underneath the crook of his legs, and lifted him as gently as he could.

"Uh, mind getting the door, Lex?"

The blonde girl obliged, and waited while Jaden walked out, feeling the edges of the doorknob pressing painfully into her hand. She slammed the door shut behind her and began walking after him.

**sorry it took so long to update. damn writer's block! okay, you all know what to do. m/l **


	16. Chapter 16

**and thus my writer's block has been overcome (for now, anyway.. dun dun duunn...) **

**slight warning, however: jaden has a little OOC fit. zane has a dream, and syrus... as usual, has major issues. also, yes, i'm mixing japanese honorifics with the english dub names. MUAHAHA! so i'm a little badass. bite me.**

**oh yeah, and have a nice day!

* * *

**

"Sy... I love you, you know that, right?"

"Sure I do, big Bro. You were only trying to help..."

"No, _no, _I mean... I _was_ trying to help, but it's more than that. It's--"

"You wanted me to learn on my own."

"No. Syrus, please listen to me--"

"You were right, though. I know Jaden's going to go on and be someone, and I'm always just going to be... well... me. And so are you. Everybody's got to move on sometime.. Just promise me you'll remember me, though?"

Zane felt a faint smile forming on his lips at his brother's naivette, and place a hand on the younger boy's head.

"I could never forget you. And that's why I can't stay. I _love _you, Syrus. You're my _brother _and I _love _you and it's _wrong _for me to feel that way. I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?" Syrus asked, fixing him with those beautiful silver eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"And I intend to keep it that way." He turned his back, only to feel Syrus clutch onto the back of his jacket.

"It's okay, Aniki, I caught you," the smaller boy said, a relieved smile upon his face.

"What... what did you call me...?"

"I love you, Zane." Syrus wrapped his arms around his brother's waist.

"_No..._ Sy, please let go of me..." he backed away, but Syrus refused to release his grip.

_He shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be anywhere _near _me._

With one final effort, he managed to push Syrus away from him. But the scene had changed. Why was Zane now _facing _the ocean, instead of turned away from it?

"No!"

Too late he realized what he had done, and he reached futiley for Syrus, who had fallen too far back now for him to do anything but watch him disappear under the black surface of the ice-cold water...

"_Syrus!"_

Zane lurched forward into a sitting position, resting his hands flat on either side of him. He felt streams of sweat pouring down his neck and his back, but he couldn't move to stop it from running into his eyes, mixing with his tears.

Instead he sat, shaking violently. His heart felt as though it were beating so fast it might burst. Bringing one trembling hand up to clutch his chest, Zane panted, "No... I... I can't... I... I'll... never... let you... fall..."

* * *

Alexis had never seen Jaden completely focused before, outside of a duel. Even then he still looked back to his audience, whoever happened to be watching him. He didn't seem like the kind of person who could direct all his thoughts, all his concentration, all his energy, into just one thing. 

But as she sat watching him, he looked completely intent, with every fiber of his being, to break that damned door down.

_"How is he doing?" _

_The nurse looked away, obviously bothered by Jaden's sudden reaction. Alexis stepped between the two of them. _

_"Please, calm down," she said softly. Reluctantly, he took a small step back, and in a softer voice, repeated, "How is he doing? I mean.. is he all right? He-- he's gonna-- _live_... right?" _

_Suddenly understanding, the nurse smiled gently and answered, "Yes, he'll be fine. He's got an infection, and a pretty bad cold, but nothing some antibiotics and plenty of bed rest won't fix." _

_Alexis hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath until it came out in a loud sigh of relief. So Syrus _would _be all right. And, she realized, there had been no mention of a mental institution. _

_The door opened slightly, and another nurse looked out into the hallway. Clearing her throat, she motioned for the first to come closer. They whispered urgently to each other, occasionally glancing back at the two teenagers, exchanging worried expressions. The first began shaking her head, the words "please, I don't want to say it" barely audible, as her protests became louder. Finally, she hung her head in resignation. "Fine, fine," she hissed, "I'll do it."_

_The other nurse disappeared again inside the room, and the first turned back to them. Alexis couldn't help but notice that she was trying to avoid making eye contact with either of them. _

_"Hm.. " she started nervously. "There's something... that I.. ah... need to talk with you about... " _

_Instantly tensing, Jaden stared hard at her. "What is it? Is something wrong with Syrus? I thought you said he was okay--"_

_"No, no," she said quickly. "Well... yes _and _no."_

_"What are you talking about? Is he going to be okay or not?"_

_"Syrus will live, it's just... " She sank heavily into one of the plastic chairs against the wall. "Please," she said, nodding to the seats beside her, "I think you'd better sit down." _

_Confused, both of them sat. Jaden turned to face the nurse, his hand gripping the back of the chair so hard that his knuckles began to turn white. Alexis shifted as far to the opposite edge of her seat as she could, but kept her eyes on him. _

_"So what's going on?" _

_"Well... listen, you two are this boy's friends, right?" They nodded. "You see.. " she sighed deeply. "As far as his physical condition, he seems to be all right. He'll be good as new in a couple of weeks. But I'm afraid there is something wrong. _

_"The doctors... _found _something.. and it concerned them. Tell me, have either of you noticed that Syrus seemed.. at all... depressed? Withdrawn, something like that?"_

_Hesitating, they both nodded again. What were they supposed to say? Alexis could feel her dread growing. She knew what was coming- it was written all over that woman's face. _

_"Yes, well.. did he seem like the kind of person who would ever... you know... hurt himself?" _

_And there it was. Alexis fought the urge to look away, as Jaden faltered and turned back to her, pleading silently for her help. 'Don't say _anything,' _his frightened gaze told her. She didn't. _

_Instead, she slowly shook her head. Flashing her a grateful look, Jaden turned back to the nurse. "No," he replied, with a deliberate shake of his head. "Sy wouldn't do that. Sure he's got a little confidence problem, but he wouldn't cut himself." _

_The nurse stared at him. "I only asked if he'd _hurt _himself. I didn't say he'd _cut _himself." _

_Quickly realizing his mistake, Alexis spoke up. "Oh.. we both must have mis-heard you. I could have _sworn _you said 'cut'." _

_"Oh, well, I'm sorry. It's just that.. well, it seems there were some cuts on the back of Syrus' wrist, and it seemed as if they might have been made... deliberately." _

_"I told you we found him in the woods, right?" Jaden asked flatly. _

_"Yes, you did." _

_"He probably got all scratched up out there. I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with him. He wouldn't... I mean, _ever...

_The nurse smiled softly. "I understand. You two are pretty close?" _

_Jaden nodded, causing Alexis to grimace. 'Lady,' she thought, 'you have no idea.' _

_"Well, they say nobody knows you better than your friends. Tell me, does Syrus have a lot of friends?"_

_Confused, Jaden replied, "Well... not really a _lot_. But he has me, and Alexis, and Chumley, and--"_

_"I see. Is he very shy?"_

_"Kind of. He's not, like, anti-social or anything. He's just kind of quiet."_

_Alexis looked daggers at the nurse. She could see plain as day what the woman was doing. She was trying to get Jaden to make Syrus out as some kind of psycho. It was all just more reason for the doctors to get Syrus hauled off to some asylum. _

_Worse yet, Jaden, the one who had been so afraid of that, was completely falling for it._

_"What he means is that Syrus is fine. He might not be all that outgoing, but he would never cut himself. He's perfectly fine." _

_Jaden twisted back again, with a puzzled look. She raised an eyebrow, desperately hoping he would take the hint and follow her lead. Suddenly, a small smirk played at the corner of his mouth, and he nodded once, his way of saying that he got the message. 'Go on, she's all yours.' Perhaps she could even detect a subtle 'thank you' there somewhere. _

_The nurse merely smiled and stood. "All right then. I'll just go find the doctor. I'll see about getting the two of you in to see your friend, okay?"_

_"Great!" Jaden exclaimed, voice betraying the flood of relief rushing through him. "Thanks."_

_"No problem." With that, the nurse turned and walked back into the room, leaving Jaden and Alexis alone in the hall. _

_"'Lex.. thanks."_

_"For what?" Oh, she knew 'for what', but it never hurt to hear it. _

_"You know... sticking up for Sy like that. For a minute I thought that lady was trying to get me to admit he really did it." He chuckled suddenly. "Pretty crazy, huh?" _

_Alexis forced a nervous little laugh. "Yeah.. crazy." They both fell silent. They knew what had happened, and that that nurse had gotten just a little too close to the truth for comfort._

_"They can't take him away," he said softly, as if talking to himself. _

_"I know you don't want to lose him," Alexis answered. "But.. well, I hate to say it, but maybe it's... a good idea? Now, look," she added hastily, not giving Jaden a chance to protest, "I know he probably wouldn't like it at first, but what if they do put him in a hospital? They could help him Jaden. He would be so much happier. And think about it- you wouldn't have to worry about it anymore--"_

_"He doesn't belong in a hospital," Jaden replied through clenched teeth. "He's not sick, Alexis, he's _sad. _Pills and a straight jacket aren't going to help him. He belongs here, with _us. _They take Sy away from us, and he has nothing left. _Nothing. _You said it yourself, he needs me. I tried to help him.. I tried..."_

_"I know you did, Jaden."_

_"But _they're _trying to make him feel better, and they don't even know what's wrong. They can't help him at all."_

_"Well.. what if there's a way? You never know, maybe there's something someone can do. If we did tell them about Zane, maybe they could do some sort of family therepy or--"_

_"Are you kidding me?" Jaden snapped. "After everything he's done to Syrus, you're saying that some shrink can put them in the same room together and fix everything?" _

_Alexis clapped her hand over her mouth. Eyes wide with shock, she instinctively moved back, falling to the floor, her legs still hooked over the side of the chair. Jaden's blazer, which she had been absent-mindedly wringing over her lap, was now spread out onto the floor beside her. She felt her arm stiffen in an impulse to pick it up, but didn't dare move. Jaden finally stood to help her, and, though she first flinched at his proffered hand, she finally took hold of it and allowed him to pull her to her feet. _

_She hung in the silence that followed, waiting for an apology, but Jaden gave none. Instead, he cut his eyes at her and turned his back, sitting and keeping his gaze on the door. Realizing he wasn't going to look back at her, Alexis slowly reached down and retrieved the blazer, dragging it on to the empty chair between them. _

_The door clicked open again, and the nurse again appeared, though not venturing any closer to them than the doorway. "I'm sorry," she said, directing a sympathetic smile to Jaden. "But the doctor feels that Syrus ought to be getting some rest now. If you could come back tomorrow... "_

_Jaden didn't respond, except to rise to his feet. Not even glancing at Alexis, he grabbed his jacket without breaking stride and headed down the hallway. _

_She watched after him, and again felt the sting of rejection when he didn't look back. _

Jaden had never seemed like the type of person to harbor injury or insult, but today he still hadn't looked at her. She'd dragged her feet getting back to the hospital after class, only to find him sitting there, starting unblinking at the closed door. He hadn't showed up to class, and she wouldn't be at all surprised if he'd been there the whole day.

He hadn't even looked up as she sat down beside him.

And so they waited. Jaden offered no explanation as to when they might be able to see Syrus again. She assumed he'd been told to wait for some kind of orderly to let him know when Syrus was deemed fit to have any company.

An hour passed, and still they sat. She hadn't taken her eyes off Jaden, and he hadn't taken his off that door. Hadn't moved _at all_. Alexis, on the other hand, couldn't keep still. She fidgeted nervously, raking the manicured nails of her left hand against the fingers of the right, only realizing what she had been doing when she felt the stinging of a raw nerve and looked down to see a few droplets of blood seeping through the tiny cut. Crossing her arms over her lap, she doubled over and fixed her eyes on the floor.

"Jaden Yuki."

Both students jerked their heads up to see who had spoken. That other nurse from the night before, leaned against the door frame, cradling a clipboard in one arm and tapping a pencil against it.

"Yeah?" Jaden rose stiffly to his feet.

"You're the one who brought him in last night, aren't you?" she asked, tilting her head backward to, one would suppose, Syrus' bed.

Jaden merely nodded. "Is he... I mean, can I see him?" For the first time in what seemed to Alexis like eternity, his eyes shone with hope.

The nurse shifted uncomfortably. "Ahhm.. you see..."

"_What? _Can I see him or not?"

She held the clipboard in front of her chest, as if for protection, and turned her head away so that she was only making contact from the corner of her eye. "I-I'm sorr-ry," she stuttered, visibly shaken by Jaden's tone. "But for right now, the doctor has decided to only allow relatives in to--"

"_Relatives?_" Jaden cried, now furious at the woman. "The only family he has here is his _brother! _You're telling me _I'm_ not allowed to talk to him, but _he _is? You're a _nurse, _for cryin' out loud! Aren't you supposed to keep your patients _safe?_"

"Um.. yes... "

"Then how could you let _Zane _anywhere _near _him?"

"H-h-how.." the nurse stammered, "w-would that b-be a... problem?"

Jaden went dead silent, realizing that he had almost blamed Zane for Syrus trying to kill himself. And realizing that he had nearly admitted that Syrus _had _really tried to kill himself.

"Uh... ya see... " he muttered, racking his brain for an explanation.

"Jaden is _like _family," Alexis explained, trying her best to keep her voice calm. She hated to admit that she was beginning to get used to Jaden's temper. And she was really getting used to helping him make up for it.

From where she saw it, keeping Syrus out of a straight jacket seemed to be as much her job as anyone elses'. Wasn't it always, though, the responsibility of everyone in their little group, to keep each other out of trouble? Most of them had some sort of family or another, and friends back home, but they were miles away on the mainland, or wherever any of them had come from. Here on the island, they were all any of them had. They were a family.

And to each and every one of them, whether they admitted it or not, the thought of their little family falling apart seemed like one of those awful nightmares you're content to put away in the daytime, but always stays at the back of your mind, waiting to trouble your sleep in the night.

Did they all feel that way? Did anyone else ever realize that they wouldn't be together forever?

It was like standing at the edge of a pitch-black chasm, unable to go back to the safety of solid ground and unable to see what was ahead. What would she do without Jaden or Syrus? Without Zane? Without _any_ nof her friends?

Wasn't that life, though? Making friends, losing them, making new ones and forgetting the friends before? She'd long forgotten her old friends from primary school, remembering only vaguely their names, and their childish vows to be friends forever.

_Forever, _she mused, _only seems to be good for about a year or so. _

And she'd done fine without them. They apparantly weren't as important to her as she'd thought at the time.

But their loyalty had never been tested. Alexis had never kept a more important secret for them than who they had a crush on. She'd never felt torn between a good friend and the guy she loved. Her ability to lie with a straight face had never meant the difference between a loving couple staying together and being torn apart.

The nurse peered at them over her glasses.

"They... uh.. they're room-mates," Alexis added.

"Hmm.. I see. Well, I'll see what I can do." And with that, she once again vanished behind the door, pulling it shut with a loud click.

The silence that she left in her wake allowed Alexis to notice the constant buzzing of equipment coming from the rooms. If the tension wasn't already giving her a massive headache, that _noise _would.

"Thanks."

"Huh?" She looked back to Jaden, recognizing his old voice, but hardly believing it. He still wasn't smiling, but he looked very close to it.

"I said... thanks." Jaden glanced down sheepishly. "Look, Lex... I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you earlier. I was just--"

"Worried. I know. I am too, Jaden."

"I know, this must seem so backward," he said hoarsely. "Everything we've been through since we got here, the danger we've been in, and I've still never been so worried than I am now. I mean, this isn't anything like that. If someone's life is at stake, it all comes down to just winning a duel to get them back.

"But this time, there's nothing I can do."

"Oh, Jaden," Alexis sighed. "He's going to be all right. You'll see."

"I know, but he's already come close to dying _twice. _And I don't know if there's anything I can do to keep it from happening again."

He closed his eyes. "What if I can't? What if I let my guard down for just a little too long and he tries it again? What if I don't get to him in time?"

Alexis cringed. It was a real possibility, and a terrifying one at that. She wanted to tell Jaden that it wouldn't happen, that Syrus could get the help he needed. But she knew that that would only unravel everything they'd tried to keep safe, everything they'd tried to keep secret.

It was more than keeping the secret, though. For Jaden, it would be like admitting defeat. He'd donewhatever he could to protect Syrus from everything--his depression, an asylum, Zane... And finally, he realized that he couldn't handle it on his own anymore.

What she didn't know, though, was that Jaden felr like he'd failed Syrus. He'd failed at being a friend, a protector, even a surrogate brother.

He was as much of a failure as Zane.

* * *

"Hello?" 

Zane knocked, louder this time, and pressed his ear against the door. He could hear nothing. He knew there was no way Syrus could have gone to class after all that, and more than likely Jaden was keeping close watch over him. But shouldn't he have heard voices, some kind of motion, at least their breathing?

Feeling his fear grow, Zane tried the knob--respect could be ignored for now--and the door swung open easily.

He stepped inside the room. It was dead silent.

And completely empty.

Where could they be? Surely they hadn't gone to class... there was just no way. But what else could it be?

He ran his hand over the side of Syrus' bunk. His bed was still made, like he hadn't even slept in it. Here Zane was, torn apart inside, and yet how could Syrus be bothered to get out of bed and straighten it up?

He also noticed that Jaden's bed wasn't made. That wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He'd never struck Zane as the type to slow down long enough to do something so 'boring', and so unrelated to dueling.

_Then again, what if Syrus didn't make his bed? What if he didn't even sleep... in.. it..._

Zane shook his head from side to side violently, trying to rid himself of that thought. That was just disgusting.

_Well, no more disgusting that anything else I've thought of._

No, Jaden wouldn't dare... He just didn't have it in him to do anything like that. He was too _nice. _He was the perfect boyfriend, as much as it pained Zane to admit it, for his little brother. Come to think of it, he was a better _brother _to Syrus, too.

No wonder Zane had been replaced.

_You have no heart at all, do you? _his conscience taunted. _Your own brother, who you were supposed to be taking care of and teaching all the time, nearly dies, and you can stand to bother feeling jealousy? And toward the person who took over your job, and gave Syrus all the love and guidance he should have gotten from _you?

"No!" he cried. "I _tried. _I didn't know... I just didn't know how bad it was. I only wanted to help him, but... I... I just don't know _how..._ all I ever wanted was... was... to be a good brother..."

"Well, I think I know somebody who can give you a few ideas."

Startled, Zane spun around to address whoever had spoken.

"Alexis?" he panted. "What... are you doing here?"

"I came to get Syrus' clothes. They're letting him--"

"Syrus? You know where he is?" Zane demanded, trying his hardest not to sound so excited. After all, that just wasn't _him._

Alexis nodded slowly, gathering a shirt and the small red blazer from the floor.

"We took him to the hospital--"

"_Hospital_?" His fragile little Syrus was in the hospital?

Suddenly feeling very ill, Zane steadied himself by grabbing the side of the second bunk. Yesterday... the sound of Syrus' wrist breaking, the look of shock and pain in his eyes... oh God...

"When Jaden woke up this morning, Syrus was burning up with a fever. I came by to check on them, since they weren't in class. And then we took him to--"

"Wait, _after _you came here? Why did Jaden wait so _long_?" How could someone who was so protective of Syrus that he had nearly shoved Zane off of the balcony not think to take him to a doctor as soon as he realized that the bluenette was sick?

Alexis stifled, turning her head.

"I... um... well, he was going to take him, it's just..

"Alexis, _don't _lie to me," Zane warned.

She looked back up at him, biting her lip. "Well, he didn't know _what_ to do. He wasn't sure if he should get Syrus any help or not--"

"How could he _not _want to get him to a hospital?" Zane interrupted again. What in the hell was _wrong _with Jaden? He may have gotten poor grades, but he wasn't stupid. Even _he _should have known better...

"I can't tell you..."

"Lex, this is my _brother _we're talking about. If he's in a _hospital, _I want to know what put him there. And I want to know why Jaden wasn't going to take him there. _Please_," he said, more softly this time. "I have to know."

Alexis swallowed, stalling for time. If this was the way he reacted to Syrus having a fever, she'd hate to see what learning about him cutting himself was going to do to him.

But still, he was worried about Syrus. He was frantic to find a way to help his brother.

She could relate.

"All right, I'll tell you, but you have to promise me you won't be mad."

Zane clenched his jaw so tightly the motion was visible, but still he simply nodded and said, "Fine. What happened?"

"Well, you see...he... Syrus... he kind of... well, he cut himself." She closed her eyes tightly, bracing herself for whatever outburst was about to happen.

Instead, Zane only replied quietly, "I know."

Opening one eye, she asked tentatively, "You... did?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well... um... " How was she going to explain this? "So you see, Jaden thought that if the doctor saw his arm, they might... you know... find out that he tried to... well, you know... and put him in some kind of... "

"Mental institution." he finished for her, impatient with her pause. The very thought of Syrus, alone and afraid in some padded cell, made his blood run cold.

"Yeah. But we decided that even if Syrus didn't like it, it was at least better than risking letting him get any worse. So we took him in, and they just let Jaden in to see him. They gave him some antibiotics, and they're going to let him leave later on today. So Jaden told me to get him some clothes to put on."

"He's all right?" Zane felt his knees begin to buckle. It was as if he'd just had the weight of the world lifted from his shoulders.

"Yeah, he'll be fine. But they did make him an appointment with the school psychologist."

"They think he's crazy."

"No, they just think he might be depressed. Jaden's really worried. He thinks they're just trying to get him to admit to cutting himself so they can lock him up."

"Who knows, maybe they are."

"I know you're probably worried--"

"_Probably? _Alexis, he's my _brother. _Of course I'm worried."

She smiled softly.

"You know, you said you wanted to be a good brother. I know you might not think so, but you really are a lot like Jaden when it comes to the way you feel about Syrus."

He swore he felt his heart stop. Did she know...? No, she couldn't possibly... could she?

"What.. um.. what do you.. mean?" he faltered.

"I mean," she said, giving him a puzzled look, "that you both really love him, you just show it in different ways. You tried to help him by _not _helping him. It's not that it was a bad idea, it just... well, it would work better for some people than others, and Syrus just isn't one of those people."

"If I had been a little more close to him, maybe I would have known that."

"Well, you tried your best. And Jaden... well, he's more direct. _Way _more direct," she added, and Zane couldn't help but detect a trace of... some kind of emotion, and an unpleasant one at that. But she ignored it and continued speaking, and so he ignored it as well.

"Well, you know what I mean, right?" she asked, practically begging him with that look to just come right out and say it. Zane would rather have avoided this subject entirely, and he didn't feel like wasting time stating the obvious when Syrus was laid up in the hospital. He sighed. Why did they have to discuss this _now_?

"Yes, I do."

"Well?"

"Well _what_?"

"What do you think?"

He stared at her. "What do you want me to think? I've gotten that impression for a while. At least since that tag duel. Maybe before that, when Jaden stood up to me and challenged me for Syrus. He's been there for Sy ever since the two of them got here, and I haven't. It's almost like..."

"Like you've been replaced?"

"Exactly. And I know Syrus did what he did because of me. And then who was there to pick up the pieces? Who did he go to?"

"Jaden."

"I'm the big brother here. His _real _brother. I should be the one standing up for him, not the one somebody else stands up to for him."

"You know what?"

He opened his eyes again. "What?"

"You couldn't help Syrus yourself. Jaden can't help him on his own either. Maybe... just maybe... Syrus needs _both _of you to be there for him."

Zane remained silent. Seeing Jaden and Syrus together didn't just make him jealous. It made him _hurt, _in a way he'd never felt before. Just knowing that Syrus didn't need him was painful. But knowing that Jaden, who hadn't even known him a whole _year_ yet, was everything to him--that Syrus was _his _in every way--was almost unbearable.

"I know what it's like to feel like you've been abandoned," Alexis muttered. "It can be total murder on you. And having you around--seeing you, and having to remember that he thinks you don't care--must make Syrus feel the same way, maybe even worse. No, wait, it _definitely _makes him feel worse. He thought you didn't love him, and he didn't want to live anymore.

"Jaden is afraid that he might try it again, but I think that if he knows that you _both _love him and want him around, then he might feel like he has a reason to stay."

Zane still said nothing. He tried to remind himself that he had to stay distanced, that he couldn't risk getting too close...

His breathing arrested. He'd only just realized--when had been the last time Syrus had even crossed his mind, at least in that way? When had it even first _started_?

And then he remembered.

_The last thing Zane wanted was for Syrus to leave. He wasn't worried that Sy would make it back to the mainland. He knew going out onto the ocean would be a death wish for his younger brother._

_But he had to stay strong. Syrus wasn't quite as much a coward as he seemed to be, but he still wasn't _that _brave. No doubt he was only bluffing. He probably only wanted someone to try and stop him, to be forced to show that they cared enough to make him stay._

_It was painful not to say it himself, but Zane knew better. It would only make all the effort of ignoring Syrus go to waste. All that pain he'd put them both through... it was too late to let it all come to nothing._

_Syrus leaned over the remains of his broken raft, sobbing quietly, his slight shoulders trembling with each unsteady breath he took._

_"How could you say that to your own brother?" Jaden shouted up at Zane._

_The shock that came over Zane was well-concealed, but still almost palpable. Who was this trouble-maker to criticize him? He had no idea _how _Zane could say it, or _why, _and he was also ignorant to the fact that Zane himself wasn't quite sure how he could stand to treat the sensitive younger teen with such cruelty._

_All he knew what that this _Jaden _kid was ruining everything._

Or, in hindsight, _saving _it.

"I need to see my brother."

He spoke with such sudden urgency that Alexis knew he'd changed his mind. Allowing him a gentle smile, she held the door open with her free hand. He left quickly, glancing back with a pained but grateful look, before out-pacing her and going ahead to the hospital.

She stood for a moment, looking back to the empty room, then to the empty grounds. Funny how she could feel so left out whether she was with them _or_ by herself.

**yay for inspiration! my writer's block is all gone now. **

**but for how long...? O.o**

**well, anyway, i'll just leave it at that for now. think about it: if i put everything in one chapter... well, that would be one long chapter, would it not? whoever said "always leave them begging for more"... well, you probably dislike them right now with great intensity at the moment, but trust me, you'll get used to it.**

**suspense. LOL**

**but fear not, for now that said writer's block has temporarily vainished from the face of the earth, there will be more exciting--and angsty--installments soon enough.**

**... i hope ...**

**/runs and hides/ don't kill me!**


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